Helpless
by snuggleUP
Summary: This is a story based on "Pain" from KDMOSP. The original story is very dark and from JJ's POV. This will be from Hotch's POV. It's a matter of suicidal intention and deep depression of JJ and how Hotch is going to deal with that. You have to read "Pain" first. Link: www. fanfiction. net /s/10077213/1/Pain
1. Chapter 1

**A/N This is my first fanfic and I'm not a native speaker. Please bear with me! I do not own Criminal Minds.**

###

The raindrops drip off the windows, it is windy and dark outside. Somehow you think it fits the situation. You are sitting in your office. It is late. Again. You follow the drops their way along the window and your thoughts ramble back to the issue that made you look out of the window.

The buzzing of your phone breaks the moment. You look on your desk, where the phone is buried under papers. You need a moment to get yourself together.

"Hotchner"

It is Emily.

The last two days JJ wasn't answering her phone. It went straight to voice mail. Today you decided to do something about it. You had a bad feeling. JJ withdrew herself too much for your taste. She had a rough time going through the bunch of therapists and medication attempts. But now, not answering her phone, you couldn't stand it.

"Hotch... "

"What is it?"

"She is a mess Hotch"

You let out the breath you were holding with a big sigh.

"What happened?"

"Well to begin with she looks like hell and hasn't been eating or sleeping for a while..."

She pauses.

"Hotch, her gun was loaded when we found JJ in her apartment"

You say nothing. You just stare out of the window and try to realize you didn't see it. And that is what makes you angry. Really angry. Your hand balls into a fist. There had to be signs. And you didn't recognize the real situation JJ was in.

You finally answer Emily and just say "I understand. I'll get back to you."

Your gaze goes back out of the window, following the familiar drops running down the glass. You know what you have to do, but you don't like it. You spin your phone in your hand, trying to decide the next step. This is a team matter, family matter. You cannot let this take a dimension that is out of your hands. The text you sent to every team member but JJ was short. Tomorrow you will discuss this with the team.

###

You already talked to Strauss and made sure the situation is still under your control. But you have to follow the rules, otherwise it could end much worse. The only way is to keep this needed psych evaluation under low radar, in the inner circle, in the family as much as possible.

It is still early and you make your way through the bullpen. You fill your cup of coffee up in the small kitchen as Rossi appears in your sight. He takes a sip of his coffee and has focused his gaze on you.

"I know... I know..." you answer his look.

"I know. " You start again. "I already talked to Strauss and she is ok with the solution to accept someone of our choice to do this evaluation. I'm sure you have already someone in mind, don't you?" You tell him with a little smirk.

Rossi smiles and takes another sip. After you got home last night you had a short phone call with Rossi, to inform him about the situation. As your friend he understands your difficult position for you as a leader between the right choice for JJ as an agent and JJ as a friend. Right now this has to be the choice for JJ as an agent.

###

After the team, except Emily who is with JJ, sit down at the round table in the conference room, you begin to explain the situation.

"I think you all are aware of the fact, that JJ still has a rough time. But apparently she is on a path, that is much worse, than we thought. Prentiss and Morgan were able to get to her yesterday, after we all decided, that two days without phone call were too long. They found chaos. JJ hasn't been eaten or sleeping properly for a while." You stop for a moment and look into the round. You take a deep breath.

"Prentiss and Morgan found her gun. Loaded."

You recognize Garcia tearing up, her hand covers her mouth. Reid is looking down on the table, to hide his emotions. A worrying silence settles down for a moment.

After a quick exchanging look with Rossi, you continue.

"We all are concerned. But as a matter of fact there is a decision to make. The bureau requests in such situation a further psych evaluation and I think that is right now the only right step to take. The bigger picture is here to get JJ back on track, so in some time she can start working again, to regain her old power and confidence."

Morgan starts to nod and begins. "What I saw yesterday, there is a hell of a lot of help needed to get her back on the tracks. She needs us right now. All of us!"

"Yes, that is the next point I want to discuss with you. We have to take care that she isn't alone anymore." You settle your gaze at Morgan.

"She needs help to eat, to sleep, to clean the place up everything. Someone has to be there 24/7." Morgan answers you.

Garcia suddenly sits up straight. "I can take care of that! I can work from my laptop at her apartment."

You nod. "We need someone to talk to her, someone that is not involved. So Rossi already knows a person, that will also take over the psych evaluation. With that we have more control about the outcome of this situation, to direct this bureaucratic issues our way."

You signal Rossi with a quick look to explain.

"A friend of mine has the right qualifications and is the person who fits in this situation. She is a former bureau employee and runs a team of therapists. But she is also a consultant of the bureau. Her name is Jill Williams." Rossi pauses. "I think tomorrow we have her on our side."

"Ok then, Morgan you go back today to JJ's and help Prentiss. The rest of the week we are on backup, the second team will take over. We won't get a case this week and only half of the team is on consulting duty. We can take shifts to be with JJ and to help her to get through this." You take a look through the round, to make sure everybody is with you on that.


	2. Chapter 2

You pull the SUV into the parking lot of the apartment complex. You feel the look of Rossi on you and turn your head to him, after you shut the engine down. The lines of Rossi's face are concerned and thoughtful. You respond with a gesture "Lets do this". You make your way with Rossi through the complex to the person who is waiting for you.

"Hello Mrs Williams, nice to finally meet you!"

"Agent Hotchner" She reaches her hand to yours with a friendly nod and turns to Rossi.

"David! It's been a while!"

She smiles and gives Rossi a quick hug. He smiles responding her hug.

"Yeah, it's good to see you Jill."

"Did Agent Prentiss fill you in with the situation she found Agent Jareau two days ago?" You start walking and look to her.

"Yes, she was able to give me a picture of the impressions she gained. I think it is a positive way to do this in her familiar environment and with your team present."

"Agent Jareau already has some bad experiences with therapists. It won't be easy to get her on your side. But we have to remain consistent to show her guidance."

The last sentence reminds you, this won't be easy for both sides. Your gut tells you just to throw the rules over board and screw politics, but sadly this is how it works. If JJ will return to work, there has to be a proper path to make that possible. And you are about to build that path for her.

Emily opens the door to the apartment. Her look is worried.

"Come in."

She takes a step aside to let you in. You take a look around, Morgan and Prentiss had cleaned the place up. You find JJ sitting on the couch with a look that gazes into nowhere. Her knees are tucked up to her chest. Her arms wrapping around them and her chin rests on her knees. She does not notice the group that just entered her apartment. She appears to be totally absent-minded.

You let the pictures sink in and decide to walk into the background, towards the kitchen, where you still can JJ's face. JJ doesn't look like she wants to talk or do a nice little greeting, especially with you. She may be depressed, but she isn't a fool, she knows exactly what's going on.

After Emily discovering the loaded weapon, there has to be consequences. You sigh silently and lean against the wall of the hallway to the kitchen. Rossi passes slowly by and takes a stool from the kitchen to sit nearby you.

The demeanor of JJ has changed, she is looking at who the woman, who stands in her living room, is . She is angry. You can almost feel it. Her hands are repeatedly gripping her legs to pull them even closer to her chest. She is agitatedand you can see fear in her eyes. She distrusts the woman.

"JJ"

Her head turns to Emily, JJ looks confused, as she seems to be ripped out of her thoughts. She blinks for a second.

"Will you please just talk for a few minutes?"

You study JJ's reaction as Jill Williams starts to talk to JJ.

"Agent Jareau..."

The despite on JJ's face is now clearly visible. It makes you somehow uncomfortable and you are feeling a beginning of an inner struggle with yourself. You notice Rossi looking up to you and you steady yourself, but remain silent. You can see on Rossi's face he has some doubts too. As you watch the scene between JJ and Jill, you remind yourself of the bigger picture and you are finally able to find your reassuring stance.

You scowl as you hear suddenly hear JJ talking.

"Leave!"

With a voice that is shaking and barely to hear. There was such an intensity in this one word, so much meaning. It is almost breaking your heart. All the sorrow and rage in one barely audible word.

It is a familiar feeling. You already lived through it. You know it. The guilt of the survivor, you don't want to be the one that is left. You were the one, but your son were there to reassure you. JJ is the only one left.

You see JJ is more agitated now, as she suddenly stands up up. Ready to do anything, her body language is clear.

"Get out. I don't want you here, I don't want your help, I don't need you."

With the attempt of Jill to calm the situation down, you make two steps into the hallway that is connected to JJ's bedroom. JJ is still struggling with Jill's words. But finally she passes Jill and almost runs into you. She looks up and your gaze meet hers. She is puzzled for a short moment. You can tell she didn't expected you here in that position.

"Move!" She growls.

As Jill starts to talk again, she seems to set her attention brief away from you.

"You are not responsible for their deaths, Agent Jareau!"

That was the spark for the imminent explosion.

The sorrow and rage are now clearly visible in her eyes, that gazes straight into yours. You prepare yourself for an emotional thunderstorm. You tense up and notice JJ doing the same. Her eyes water and her lip is shaking.

"How dare you.." Her hands are starting to hit your chest as she begins to cry out. "How dare you..." She is enraged and in a fury. You feel your heart sinking and it is really hard for you to remain calm, but you can hold back your tears. The sobs of JJ are so heavy that she already isn't breathing normally. You wrap gently your arms around her while she beats with her hands against you. The beats stifle through your firm embrace. Her crying is heartbreaking and your shirt wet by all the tears. Her sobs are shaking you both as you brace youself.

"JJ"

But that was the only thing you get out as she collapses in your embrace to the ground, you sit down next to her. You continue to gently hold her as Jill makes eye contact with you. She has a questioning look and you briefly nod.

"Agent Jareau?" She tries again. "I am not going to lie to you. I am very concerned about your welfare."

You feel JJ tensing up again and you can almost hear her thoughts running through her mind. After a few moments, Jill looks to you again, noticing JJ won't answer.

"Does she have any psychiatric history?"

JJ slightly twitches in your Arms, you look down to her and lessen your embrace. You take a breath and let the hug go. Finally you look up to Jill and answer.

"PTSD and depression."

"Any suicidal ideation or attempts?"

You know that it is a strategy and you have to play your part. Jill already knows all the stuff she has to know to do this conversation with JJ. You feel a little chaos of feelings in your chest. On the one hand you just want to sooth JJ and hold her in a tender embrace, until she gets better. On the other hand you have to remind you of the bigger picture. Although the bigger picture slightly begins to fade away as you replay the recent scenes. But your deep empathy for JJ has to wait in line, for now.

"Yes."

Your voice is firm and you regain your reassuring clarity over your emotions. You steady yourself and stand up. The game between you and Jill continues a few moments, as you recognize JJ is in her own world of thoughts again.

"JJ."

She is still looking down without noticing your voice.

"Did you hear what Jill said?" You try. "Common lets get back to the couch."

Finally she snaps her attention up to you, but just says "I need to go to the bathroom."

As Jill takes over you sigh mentally. You take a look to Rossi and you are relieved as he shows you his support on this. You know you have to be strong to deal with the dourness of JJ.

"Not by yourself!" Jill arranges herself in front of her, because JJ was back in a fight position. That was the reason why a external person has to do this. You cannot imagine to be rough to JJ, but maybe you have to learn something from Jill. JJ does seem to be damn determined. And Jill won't be around every time.

"I have every reason to believe you are planning to kill yourself. Give me a reason I should trust that you won't attempt that behind a locked door."

You watch the scene going on and recognize the tone of Jill's voice is now different. It is determined, calculated. She is going to corner JJ and you have to help. JJ needs to accept the help of your team and you. As long as you can make the string between being JJ's boss and JJ's friend in this difficult situation.

"I don't owe you a damn thing." JJ hisses. Her voice is filled with anger and she stands up. "I want you out of my house. I want you all out." She bristles with rage and starts to walk past you towards the bathroom.

"You have a choice, Agent. You can work with me and your friends and agree to let us help you, or I can call and get a mental health warrant in which the police will detain you and force you into the hospital. It is your choice."

Suddenly JJ stops in her movement and you can see the words came through.

You can feel the tension in the air.

"I know you are scared, agent. Being kidnapped and tortured, and raped." Jill tries to minimize the space between her and JJ. But you could notice with each word said, JJ tenses up a little more.

Jill continues to talk insistently to JJ.

"And then to watch your family murdered." Even you can feel how these words hit your mind. You were there. It was awful. You struggle to keep the terrible pictures out of your mind.

"Stop!"

You are back in the present. Looking at JJ, as she turns round.

"Stop! You don't know what it is like, do not tell me what it is like or understand or can relate. Because you can't!"

You nod mentally, but you are also aware of the situation going on. JJ has to be cut down to size. As soon as possible.

"Not until you tell us your decision JJ."

You make two step towards JJ.

"If I say yes, will you all leave?".

You notice Jill letting out a brief sigh. "No." She is shaking her head. "We have an arrangement set up, someone will be with you all the times until I or a psychiatrist believe you are no longer a danger to yourself."

"I don't need a babysitter." JJ folds her arms.

"Really?" Jill is about to win, you can feel it. Her arguments are hitting JJ right on the spot that was her defense to hide her self-neglect.

"I know you don't want us here, I know you want us to leave you alone, but we care, we all care."

'More than you know.' you think.

"I know you do." JJ eyes water up and she looks down, hesitating to say it out loud: "But I don't"

You realize how deep down JJ really is. Why were you not able to see that coming? It breaks your heart to see JJ giving herself up. You want to grab her and pull her into your arms. Holding her tightly. But you can't. You notice Rossi behind you, as he is making his way to JJ.

"Come on kiddo, let's get back to the couch. Take your time. I'll make you a warm tea."

He leads her through the hallway, passing you and Jill, to the couch. His arms are gently around JJ's shoulders. Rossi's gaze shifts to you and his look is reassuring. But you can tell she is broken.


	3. Chapter 3

The smell of freshly brewed coffee runs through your nose. It is a comforting smell. You relax and ease off your neck muscles. You watch the last drops of brown liquid run into the pot and fidget with your cup. After a few moments you take a sip of the hot coffee and feel it warming your stomach. You let out a sigh and close your eyes. Your thoughts are drifting to JJ. The last 8 hours were exhausting for her. The whole issue with the evaluation, Jill, who cornered with you JJ in her own apartment. You all had to talk insistently on JJ. That was a big deal. After that, you all secured the apartment, to make sure JJ could not harm herself. She still is not in a cooperative mood. Tonight you want to see it for yourself, that JJ is doing ok.

The noise of the familiar chatter comes from the living room. Reid, Emily and Garcia are discussing a new movie and you can see Rossi listening and smiling in the corner of the room. You make your way with some cups and the pot of coffee to the living room.

"I will quickly check on JJ, I will be right back."

With the cup in your hand you stop at one door before JJ's room. You gently push the door open. It is silent and the light from the hallway is the only light that makes something in the room visible. You take a look around. It seems as the room would be used everyday, as still somebody lives here. You sit down on the bed and take the stuffed animal. Jack has a similar one, you think. Your eyes water as you grip it tighter. You feel your heart sink and a emotional pain wrenches through your belly. Nobody should have to bury his child. For a few minutes you just sit there and stare on the plushie. You have to swallow and run your hands across your face. You inhale through your nose and let it out with a sigh. 'You have to be strong for JJ', you say to yourself. With a last look on the stuffed bear, that you placed back on the bed, you grab your cup and leave the room.

Slowly you push the door to JJ's bedroom open. A small light in the corner is the only light in the dimmed room. You stand in the door for a few minutes as you listen to the steady breathing of JJ. For a moment it seems to be everything is quite peaceful. But the moment goes by.

And you see JJ begins to twitch in her sleep. Her arms and legs begin to move, you see her hands grip the sheets, the knuckles white. She moans quietly. You put your cup on the nightstand and sit down on the side of the bed. You gently stroke her hair. You hope maybe it is just a little nightmare and she can continue sleeping, that she needs the most at the moment. The hope fades away as the moaning begins to get louder.

You are alert as JJ begins to mumble, "Stop!".

She stirs with the whole body. You stroke her shoulder and begin to talk to JJ.

"Ssshh …..JJ, it's ok, it is just a nightmare."

"NO!" She screams. "NOOO!" It is a utter panic and heartbreaking. She suddenly begins to move towards you and you don't notice she is about to fall out of the bed. You can only manage to catch here and let her down to the floor. But she is agitated and screaming, kicking.

"WILL! No no no..."

You are finally able to engulf her in your embrace, firmly holding her against your chest.

"JJ! Wake up JJ!"

You try as your hands stroking her cheeks. But she is still moving around in your embrace, tries to fight you, boxing you, her legs are struggling to push herself out of your lap.

"Henry!" She cries.

"Sssshhhhh... easy JJ, you are safe here. Sssssshhhh!"

"Please..." She whimpers. "Please!"

You feel your eyes water and the painful emotions, that you know too well, are making their way through your heart. You close your eyes and continue the tender stroking across her back as your firmly embrace becomes tighter. She is screaming, shaking through sobs and your shirt is wet by all the tears.

"JJ..." You try again.

Her movement stops. You can feel her settling down. Slowly she goes limp and lies at your chest. Her breathing steadies after a few minutes. She starts to shiver. You can tell she finally has woken up. That was an eternity for you, but you remain calm and continue your firm embrace. Letting your warm body feeling her safe. Several minutes went by and you finally look up to the door.

The door to the bedroom is full of people, just standing there, concerned, very concerned. You see Garcia moving closer, but at the same time JJ is pulling away from you, tensing up again.

"It's Garcia" you tell her quietly while stroking her hair. You look down to her and reassure her everything is ok. She finally eases and sinks back on you. You make eye contact with Garcia and nod.

"Sugar drop?" Garcia looks down to JJ. "Can Hotch and I help you change, you jammies are soaking wet."

You can see JJ recognizing her shape. She is pale and the pearls of sweat are on her forehead. Not only there, her whole body is wet from the fight that she was going through.

Still shivering she only answers, "I am cold." She pauses and snuggles closer to you. "I am cold, Hotch."

You stroke her back and sling your arms around her shoulders. One hand is holding the back of her head, gently pushing it against your chest.

"Okay, how about a hot bath?" Garcia offers her. "Reid is here, so is Emily and Rossi." While Garcia is turning on the bedroom light, you see only Rossi standing there.

You feel JJ shift in you lap, considering what to do. "No." is her answer.

Reid shows up again with a cup and a faint smile.

"I know what might help." Reid makes his way to you and JJ. "It's hot chocolate."

With a shaky hand, JJ takes the cup. "Thank you Spense."

You look around to gather the expressions on the faces of Rossi and Emily. Some relief you see, but over all both are very concerned, about the upcoming time. You begin to let the happening of the last hour sink into your mind. You fade Reid out talking some statistics to Garcia about hot chocolate. You are watching JJ enjoying sip by sip her hot drink. Apparently JJ was going through hell in her dreams. You never witness something heartbreaking like this. This was not just a nightmare. She was reliving the execution of her loved ones. The most awful, dreadful moment anyone can imagine. After a few moments you are ripped out of your thoughts, as JJ put her hand on your chest.

"Hotch, help me."


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thank you for your reviews and following/favorite my story. I'm glad you like it. Here is a new chapter, enjoy it!**

"Yes, of course...I understand...yes...thank you...I will keep you posted."

Finally you nearly slam the receiver into the base. You let out a deep sigh through your nose. Strauss. Nobody needs a person like her. Your look goes from the phone over to the files you were working on, until Strauss disturbed you. The lack of concentration today was killing you. You made several attempts to work the pile of papers in front of you. Every time you were in a working mode something disturbed you. Like Strauss.

Knock knock.

Or Rossi.

"Come in."

"Oh is someone having a bad day?" Rossi teases.

You only scowl and huff. You lean back in your chair and focus Rossi with your look.

"I'm just checking to make sure you take a break, Hotch. You know by yourself how sloppy you are on that."

"Hmmhm" you mumble and run your hands down your face.

"You look rather strained."

"Well, I think I am."

"At least you are honest to yourself."

A silence settles in. Rossi is studying you with wary eyes. 'Honest to myself...huh', you think. Well, the only thing what really bothers you in fact is JJ isn't showing any progress. She lost weight, she barely speaks and is absent in mind for almost all the time. Since the terrible nightmare, you witnessed two weeks ago, you hoped it would get better with the team around her. Well, most of the time it was Garcia, who nearly moved in to JJ's place.

You fidget with your pen and meet the gaze of Rossi.

"I can manage that tonight, take your time to sleep, Hotch."

Shaking your head, you look down on the pen in your hand. "No, I'm ok."

"Sure you are." Rossi tells you with a smirk.

You cannot help yourself and smirk to.

The phone vibrates on your desk. You see the caller, your smirk fades away, you frown.

"Hotchner."

"Sir? Please, can you come to JJ's apartment? I don't think she is doing OK. She is really weird, I mean weird weird. She scares me, I need your help. Please be quick."

"I'm on my way." You catch Rossi's gaze as you stand up. You can tell he reads your face and knows what is going on.

"Let's go" he hurries to open the door, while you catch your jacket. Within minutes you are on the streets to JJ's apartment.

Rushing the stairs up in the building, a bad feeling engulfs you. Before you can knock on the door, Garcia lets you in.

"What is going on, Garcia?" You pass her with large steps, as she tries to explain.

"She is in the bathroom." She hesitates, visibly scared.

"She is in the bathroom?" You rush along the hallway, Rossi right behind you.

"Sir..."

You spin around and frown. "What?"

"She has locked the door..."

Your chest tightens and you can feel a small panic growing in your stomach. You look back at the bathroom door, you get yourself together for a moment, to not kick instantly the door in.

"JJ, we can't do this anymore." Your voice is firm and you knock on the door. After a few second, there is still no answer. You shot a quick look to Garcia, she knows you want an ambulance.

"JJ, open the door." You say with a powerful tone.

Nothing.

"Sir?" Garcia's voice is trembling.

"JJ, open the door or I'm kicking it in."

No, you don't want to wait, to be gently, careful. Your bad feeling is fully present, as you kick the door in.

The view of what meets you inside the bathroom lets your heart stop. JJ is lying on the floor on her side. Her mouth is half open and her eyes are closed. One arm is stretched out, the fingers of her hand barely touching the little orange bottle. 'No! NO...' You don't want to think. You don't want to realize what just happened.

You knee down beside her, her eyes are half open now. You grab her neck to lift her head up.

"JJ!"

Her consciousness fades away. You grab the bottle and your heart sinks.

"JJ!" You shake her shoulder again and again, trying to wake her up. You are almost yelling, desperate and frantic. Fear is all around you, it is in your stomach, it strings your throat. You have to swallow hard. You turn her on her back and start shaking her shoulder again. Nothing. _Oh God!_

'Get yourself together! You can't help her like that.' you tell yourself.

You start checking if she is still breathing. The breathing is very slow and too shallow. The pills are working, unfortunately. You turn her on her side again, in case she vomits. You feel Rossi standing behind you, putting one hand on your shoulder. You look up to him.

"She is still breathing." He nods. The gaze of him is more than worried, almost moist eyes are looking into yours. Finally the relieving noise of people running through the hallway tells you the paramedics arrived.

You stand up to make space for the two men to work. You quickly gave the two the empty bottle.

"I don't know how much she has taken, she has a severe depression and PTSD, she obviously has hidden the bottle."

"Alright, how much time went by since she took the pills?" One of them asks. You shake your head, you have no idea, you have no sense of time at all. You are too troubled. You look at Rossi.

"Maybe 25 minutes." Rossi answers.

The paramedics are working fast and you search for anything you can use to steady yourself. An I.V. - line and the heart monitor are set up. You grab the sink, at the same time you know you need it. JJ has just stopped breathing. You lean back against the sink, both of your hands are gripping the rim. One of the paramedics is beginning to intubate her and places the bag on the tube. You look from JJ up to Rossi, as your both eyes meet. Suspense.

"She has to get into the hospital as soon as possible. Her whole system will be hit from that overdose." He tells you, while he presses the breathing-bag. The other paramedic sets up the gurney and they load her with the help of you and Rossi on the gurney.

"BP is dropping." One says.

"OK, lets move! Move! Lets go!" You hear the other paramedic shout, as you run after them.

The doors of the ambulance closed, you are sitting next to JJ, holding her hand, while the horn and emergency lights are running. Slowly the whole situation settles down in your mind. Guilt. There is guilt growing inside you. Why weren't you able to prevent this. JJ lying intubated in a rushing ambulance. You ran the hands down your face. You had a bad feeling about the whole situation the last couple of days. Somehow you sensed it. Your look lowers on JJ's face. She is pale and the paramedic is stroking her hair out of her face, while he pushes the bag.

"The vitals are critical, but aren't running up and down anymore."

The man assures you, as you look at him. He is checking her lungs again with his stethoscope. You simply nod, too busy with your thoughts rushing through your mind. You take JJ's hand again and hold it tight, as if you might lose her.

The door to the ER slides open, you follow with large steps the paramedics, who are rushing JJ into the ER. A doctor and a nurse appear by the side of the gurney, as the staff exchange the information.

"A female in her mid thirties with a medication overdose in suicidal intention. We suppose it was Tylenol Codeine, but the dose is some special prescription. We have the bottle. She was intubated at the scene, she stopped breathing. Her BP is 75/40 , heart rate is 118/min, pupils are narrow. "

You stand at the end of another gurney, as the doctors, nurses and paramedics lift JJ up. Gently she is laid down by the staff. The nurses start to manage the wires and tubes connecting to JJ's body. Your gaze is on JJ's face, you have a tunnel view. The doctors demand some lab and medications, as some other blurring noises make their way to you. You feel a hand on your right arm, as your head slowly turns, eyes still on JJ. Finally you look to your side. There is a nurse standing, smiling at you.

"Sir?"

You blink.

"I need you to come with me please, you cannot stand here while we are working."

You simply nod and follow the nurse out of the treatment cabin. Finally you flop down on some plastic chair in a room, you don't even notice. You stare to the ground.

"I will update you later, Sir"

You say nothing, you do nothing. Just sitting there, looking to the ground. After a few moments, you look up, Rossi and Garcia are approaching you. Both with questioning looks on you. You stand up.

"How is she?" Garcia is breathless.

"They are working on her. There is nothing new, she is still critical. They will update us later."

You can tell both are not relieved or less concerned about that, you aren't either.

The guilt is making its way up to your consciousness again. The bad feeling has changed into suspense.

You have to wait.


	5. Chapter 5

"What is going on? Where is she? What happened? Is she ok?"

Questions. Three people with questioning looks and fear in their faces are standing in front of you. The rest of the team, Prentiss, Morgan and Reid, just arrived. You told them nothing specific on the phone. You wanted to tell them all in person. You brace yourself.

"JJ took an overdose of her prescribed medication to commit suicide."

You want to control the impact on the team.

"She locked the bathroom door and took the entire bottle of her pain medication, which she obviously has hidden."

To be there if they needed something, answers, guidance, somebody to lean on.

"She was already unconscious when the paramedics arrived. She stopped breathing and had to be intubated."

You focused the whole time something on the nearby wall, while you spoke. But now you take a deep breath and look into the round.

"The doctors are working on her right now, she is critical and we are going to be updated soon. That's all we know. I'm sorry."

You see disbelief, consternation and fear. They are speechless. Prentiss' mouth open up to say something, but she closes it again. Reid looks to the ground and his hands disappear in his pockets. Finally Morgan breaks the silences.

"She is gonna be OK? Right?" You sense how unease Morgan is. He cannot do anything, but he wants so desperately to help, to do something, change something. It tears him mentally apart.

Just as you. Helpless.

"I don't know, Morgan. We have to wait."

You say and feel how unease you are about what is going to be.

"Did they say something how long this will take?" Prentiss shifts from one foot on the other.

"No, they will update us as soon as there will be some news."

You face Prentiss and give her a knowing nod, as she sits down on one of the plastic chairs, with a very unsatisfied look on her face.

Garcia and Morgan are already exchanging each other. Rossi took the place next to Prentiss. But you prefer to stay. You can't sit right now. You have to ease the tension in your body. You begin to walk back and forth the room.

##

After what feel like an eternity you hear the steps of the doctor approaching. You turn to see who it is. It is one of the ER doctors, that took care of JJ, when she was brought in.

"Family of Agent Jareau?" He asks. He is tall and has short brown hair, he is in his mid forties and holds a chart in his hands.

The whole team is standing up and gathering around you.

"Yes." You make a step forward to the doctor. You cannot see any sign that could tell you what is going on. He has a poker face.

The doctors raises his eyebrows. "You all are family?"

"Yes, we are FBI and she is one of ours." You show your badge to suffocate any contradiction right away.

"Alright then. My name is Dr. Sutherland and I am one of the doctors that worked on Agent Jareau."

He focuses you as he begins to tell you the eagerly awaited update.

"The pills hit her cardiovascular system, her BP and her heart rate are very low. That is very dangerous for her kidneys, she has already signs of a beginning kidney failure. She also cannot breath on her own, because of the massive side effects of the overdose. We gave her an antidote to stop the pills to reabsorb. But most of the damage is already done. We have to monitor her closely, she is on the ventilator and we except her liver to start failing. The amount of treatment medication is hopefully slowing down the process of failing. "

You are totally aware of what the doctor just said. You are not a complete amateur regarding medical issues. And you feel that fear again, that initial fear you felt after seeing JJ lying on the bathroom floor. Your chest tightens. You have to swallow. But your gaze is still on his face, as you recognize he is proceeding.

"She is now being brought to the ICU. Please be aware that only two persons can visit her at the same time. More people would be too much, because there are other patients too. Are there any questions?"

He looks into the round of your team and his gaze lasts on you again.

'No... and yes, of course a lot of questions' you think, but you can tell you just want to see JJ right now. So you take the advantage of the moment and answer for the whole team.

"No thank you, we just want to see her now."

"Of course, I will guide you to the ICU waiting room. As soon as the nurses are finished with her work to place Agent Jareau in her room, they will inform you."

You nod and take a quick look into the faces of each member of your team. You gather all information you need, they are following you.

##

Garcia is gently pushing the glass door open, the curtains are blocking the view from the outside. You slowly follow her inside. The first impressions you can hear, the steady beeping of the heart monitor, the hissing sound of the ventilator. You close the door and turn around to finally see the bed. There, she is lying, sleeping, somehow.

You notice Garcia freezes at where she stands. You move around her and make your way to the other side of the bed. JJ is pale and her face is sunken in. You look up to Garcia, she is still just standing there, tears in her eyes, her hands fidget with her purse. Her lips are pressed together. You starting to watch JJ again, how she is engulfed with the tubes and wires, that are connected to her body. The breathing tube is fixed at her mouth.

You take a chair and take a seat next to the bed. You take JJ's hand and gently stroke it. You sense your emotions coming up. Until now you were able to manage your stoic stance to the world. No... since you enter the room, you were stunned, just like Garcia, who is still standing there, fumbling for a tissue. You can feel the fear coming up again, welling inside your chest. You swallow. Deep unease is growing inside you. Guilt. There is also guilt, it never stopped since the ambulance. You are angry at yourself. So many emotions, all in one moment, you take a deep breath. You look from JJ's face down to your hands, that embrace JJ's. You sigh as you manage your emotions not to take control over you. You have to swallow again the lump in your throat. Finally Garcia makes a step forward to the side of the bed. She bends down to get closer to JJ. She gently begins to stroke JJ's cheek.

"Hey honey." She smiles and sniffs. "I'm here... I'm here now."

She kisses JJ's forehead and gently strokes the hair out of JJ's face. You watch as Garcia takes also a chair and sits down close by JJ. She leans over to stroke JJ's forehead. You can see the pearls on the face of your team member lying there in the ICU bed. Fighting for her life. She looks awful. You can feel your grip tense and release it quickly from JJ's hands. You withdraw your hands in your lap and look down to them. Angry. You are so angry at yourself, at the situation that developed in front of you, the lack of control you have about it.

Helpless. You are damn helpless, you cannot do anything about the fact JJ is in a coma right now. And you weren't able to prevent it. You feel how you are tensing up again, you become agitated. You have to get out of this room right now. You can't stand it anymore. You want to break something, hit something. You stand up, take a last look on JJ's face and stroke gently over her arm. Your gaze lasts brief on Garcia, your eyes meet. You nod quickly and make your way to the door.

On the hallway you let out a sigh. You bow your head and look at your hands, you knead your fingers. You have to get rid of the pressure that is almost screaming inside you. Air, you need fresh air. You pass the team waiting in the ICU visitor room, slightly making eye contact with them. Rushing through the corridors, to reach the next exit. Finally you push a door open, relieved. You let out a big sigh. Your eyes dart around. You put your hands in your pockets, balled into fists, trying to manage all the emotions that are chasing around inside you.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N Thank you so much for your reviews/follow/favorite. The first story is always special, so I hope I can enjoy you further. I'm glad about every single one that reads Pain and this story.**

###

The traffic lights are reflecting on the streets. It is dark outside and it rains. Oh yeah it rains, the water pours down on your car, the whole street is under water, it seems to be a great big puddle. The windscreen wiper are working on high level. You are tired and the view out of your windscreen isn't helping much to stay awake. The radio station is gossiping around, you are annoyed and switch it off. Finally the traffic light turns into green. You sigh and start your car into the rush hour.

It was an exhausting day, you had to work almost all day in the office. Some annoying budget meetings and conversations with bureaucrats made you almost freak out mentally. You didn't even have the chance to visit JJ today yet. You were updated by Emily earlier, but you want to talk to the doctor yourself. Yesterday was a very nerve-wracking day, the entire emotional roller coaster you went through. So right now, you are fighting your way through the capital's rush hour on your way to the hospital.

Finally you pull into the parking lot. You step out of the car and forget your umbrella – great. You fold up the collar of your coat and run through the pouring rain to the entrance of the hospital. Inside you take a look around, while you stretch out your coat and fold your collar down again. You were lucky, you are not soaking. The elevators approach in your sight, while you are walking through the corridor. You check your watch, as you are standing in front of the elevator. The appointment with the responsible doctor of JJ is in about 10 minutes. The rush hour didn't slow you down that much. You push the button of the 6th floor as you step in the elevator. You pull out your phone to check some mails 'The work never ends' you think. A little bit lost in your mails, the ding of the elevator brings you back into the moment. You sigh. You push the door to the ICU open and the familiar smell of the unit makes its way to your nose. You can hear the sound of medical machines beeping and some alarms are going off. You make your way to the nurse station to let them know you are here.

"Good evening." You tell the blonde woman sitting at the working desk.

"Good evening to you too, Agent Hotchner! " She smiles, stands up and walks around the desk and shakes your hand.

"Agent Prentiss is with Agent Jareau right now." She continues as Dr. Kassanoff joins you.

"Ah you must be Agent Hotchner, good to see you!"

The doctor is greeting you. You can tell he is about your age.

"Dr. Kassanoff nice to meet you." You shake his hand.

"So since the late evening yesterday there is some development. You wanted to be updated by me, right?"

"Yes, I would appreciate it."

"Ok then, follow me."

You left yesterday evening late. You spend almost the entire afternoon and evening in the hospital, after JJ was brought in. When you left, she wasn't doing well. The lab showed that the liver could not compensate the amount of pain medication, as expected. But you had to leave, unfortunately. You had to trust your team to be there for JJ. You couldn't cancel your appointments today at the bureau. It was eating you up, but you talked to Strauss. The rest of the week you are able to be there for JJ. The conversation with Strauss was a hard one. It was one of your "appointments" today. Explain the situation. Great. You were almost at the point again ready to hit something. But you were able to manage yourself...again. You feel that is not going to be last forever. You have to do something about the ticking bomb inside you.

You enter a small conference room and take a chair to sit down. Dr. Kassanoff sits down beside you. You look at him and study his face, as he opens the medical chart of JJ. After a few moments he takes his pen and looks up to you.

"So, I was updated by my colleague Dr. Finn this morning about the last day and night. He told me you were one of the people who found her?"

"Yes. I was with her until late evening yesterday."

"Ok, Dr. Sutherland of the ER department and my colleague Dr. Finn talked to you yesterday. So you are aware of Agent Jareau's main condition."

"Yes, but I would appreciate it if you don't let out any detail."

"Of course. During the last night, Agent Jareau's condition deteriorated further. Her liver almost completely failed and her cardiovascular system wasn't stabilized by that time. Her entire lab showed worse results. Her life was on a knife edge last night. This morning we could stabilize her kidney function with a supporting dialysis. Her cardiovascular system is still weak right now. During the day there was not much progress. Agent Jareau is still in very critical condition. Her liver results in the lab are still worse an hour ago. We support her with medication, but we can't compensate her organs. We hope her kidneys will work properly soon."

You wanted that information. You wanted to hear all about that terrible process that was going on the last 20 hours. But right now you don't know anymore if you want to hear that. You are torn between your responsibility to know and your feelings as a friend. You steady yourself mentally.

"Is she still on the ventilator?"

"Yes, until she wakes up by herself, that will last."

You only nod and look down to the medical chart lying on the table in front of you.

"What is your prognosis, what do we have to except in the next 24 hours?" You look up to him in his eyes.

"Well, as I said we hope her kidneys regain their full function again. I hope the peak of her liver failure is right now. So either she will lose her liver function completely the next hours or she will compensate and the lab will show some positive progress until the morning. But that is more theory than fact. I can't tell you what will be in the next 12 hours. If she is showing signs of improvement, we wont know until tomorrow. I'm sorry."

"We have to wait?"

"Yes, we have to wait. We can't do anything more, it is up to her right now."

You look down at your hands and sigh. Waiting, again. You wished you could do something, but you knew the moment you enter this building you have to be patient. Your gaze goes up again and focuses Dr. Kassanoff.

"Thank you doctor for your time."

"Of course, if you have more questions just let me be informed."

"I'll do that. Have a good night." You stand up and reach out your hand.

#

After leaving the conference room you wait for some minutes in front of JJ's room. You let the received information sink in. You feel unease again, it is more and more difficult to gain confidence. You remind yourself to get yourself together, you have to be strong now for JJ. And for the team. They watch you, evaluate you. You set somehow the pattern how to handle this situation. So if your guidance fails, the team has no anchor, they would be more confused by this situation. You raise your head and enter with your new gained confidence the room.

A small light by the working computer is the only light that illumines the room. Emily is turning her head towards you. She smiles.

"Hey Hotch."

"Hey."

You move next to Emily's chair and watch JJ, how she is lying there, sleeping. The sound of the machines, the beeping and hissing of the ventilator are the only sounds you hear. Even the beeping of the heart monitor is less noisy. You can see she has a central I.V. line now. The amounts of medication and infusion bags let you look away. You turn your look down to JJ again. She is even paler as yesterday. Her skin is slightly shimmering yellow. She really looks bad and sick. You step forward to her bed and take her hand and gently stroke it.

"Hey JJ, I'm here now."

You have to swallow. After a few moments you let her hand go and move around the bed for the other chair.

"How are you, Prentiss." You look into her eyes.

"I'm ok."

She looks down in her lap. You see how the sadness is drawn over her face. After a few moments she looks up again and your eyes meet. You smile faintly. A smile played on her lips too. You look over to JJ.

"I talked to Dr. Kassanoff earlier."

You pause. You turn your head towards Emily again. She is staring at you, full of expectations.

"You didn't talk to him?" You are a little bit confused about Emily's look.

"No, no, I also talked to him, but I expected some new information, because our conversation were quite short. What I knew I told you on the phone."

"Right. Well, he filled me in what JJ's condition is right now. I asked him what we have to expect the next 24 hours. He said it is hard to tell, but either JJ will lose her liver function completely or she will have some positive progress, but until tomorrow we don't know that."

"So we have to wait."

"Yes. We have to wait."

You both look to JJ. You let out a sigh and sink a little bit further in to the chair and cross your legs.

You can tell you both are relieved you are not alone.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N I'm glad about your reviews, every single one of them, thank you! I will update the story as soon as a chapter is good to go, sometimes it takes a few days ;) **

An annoying sound makes its way to your sleepy mind. You try to remember where you are. The muscles are stiff, you fell asleep in a chair. Still a little bit drowsy you open your eyes and you stir. The ICU, JJ, you fell asleep in the chair in JJ's ICU room. The sound is nothing else than an alarm going off. Oh shit. You are totally awake in seconds. You immediately stand by JJ's side, to notice what is going on. She is still asleep, your eyes dart around to search the reason why the heart monitor is going crazy.

"What is going on?" Emily stands on the other side of the bed, looking very anxious.

"I don't know!" Your voice has a slight panic in its tone. You look up to Emily.

Both of you turn your heads as a nurse is running into the room. Emily is stepping away from the bed as the nurse checks JJ. She is assessing the pulse and has suddenly a worried look on her face.

Your chest tightens and you feel that fear again. You take a deep breath and run your hands down your face, as Dr. Finn is rushing into the room.

"The BP is dropping? What were her last liver lab results?"

He asks the nurse as he makes his way to JJ.

"Yes, BP is 65/30. Her albumin was 1,6 last time."

The nurse answers while she checks the settings of the infusions and medication machines.

"Alright we have to increase her BP medication and prepare human albumin for transfusion."

He leans down to JJ as he checks her lungs with his stethoscope. You watch the nurse hurrying out of the room. You cross your arms in front of you and you can't stand your unease anymore.

"What is going on Dr. Finn?" You ask nervously.

"Her acute liver failure is causing her BP to drop. She already has some medication to support the BP, but it's not working anymore. We have to give her a human albumin transfusion."

You frown as you watch the doctor continuing his examination. He is checking JJ's pupils with a pen light. You shot a quick look to Emily, as she is standing in a dark corner of the room, assessing what is going on. She looks frightened. You suddenly turn your head towards the heart monitor again, as it begins to beep in alarm again. At the same time the nurse is back with some infusion bags with a yellow liquid inside.

"Call for Anne, we need one more to help here."

Dr. Finn instruct the nurse as he takes the yellow bags and juggles with the I.V. lines. The nurse only nods and is already out of the door. The alarm is continuing and it doesn't help to calm the situation down. You move your fingers over your chin. Obviously you are very tense. Finally the doctor has switch off the alarm, as the two nurses return to the room with some medication and equipment. You take some steps back to the window until you feel the sill against your back. The big lights in the room are on now. You watch the medical staff examine JJ and working fast with the equipment. JJ is lying there, covered with the tubes and wires, hands are working on her. She almost looks dead, you think. You look up to Emily trying to catch her gaze. After a few moments, your eyes meet. You signal her to wait outside, she nods and you join her heading to the door.

On the corridor you let out your breath you were holding and swallow hard. You run your hands down your face again and turn to Emily. She has a wondering look.

"You ok, Hotch?"

You sigh and look down to your hands.

"I'm ok."

'What a question, of course I am not ok', you think. She knows that. She just wants to be polite, to ease the situation. You appreciate that, but you cannot help but to frown. You are deeply concerned what is going on inside that room. You can feel Prentiss' look on you. She is watching you, studying you. She is concerned too.

Your gaze goes up to Emily's eyes. You two hold eye contact for a few moments. There is nothing to say in this situation, you both know what is going on. Words cannot ease up the moment. JJ has to fight this. You only can hope you can send her strength to hold on.

##

After a few minutes one of the nurses comes out of the room. You both turn to her and send the nurse questioning looks.

"We got the situation under control, if you want you can come back in."

You only nod and follow the nurse back inside. Dr. Finn is leaning over JJ, checking her lungs with his stethoscope. The other nurse is preparing another medication. You make your way with Emily to a corner, to not disturb the staff. But Dr. Finn puts his stethoscope around his neck and turns to you.

"That was critical." He sigh and looks back to JJ.

"Is she stable again?"

"Fortunately, yes. We could manage to stabilize her blood pressure again. The liver is responsible for our protein level in the blood. But JJ's is very very low, too low. Without the proper amount of protein, the body has huge problems to regulate the blood pressure. We started a transfusion to support her body with new blood protein. We hope it will stabilize her cardiovascular system."

"Thank you, Dr. Finn."

"Oh don't thank me, thank the modern medicine and the blood donors." He smiles faintly. "Agent Jareau is doing great, she is a fighter."

'Yes, indeed she is, she supposed to be one.', you think, as you give Dr. Finn a friendly look. Sadness is growing in your stomach. You look to JJ. Countless thoughts are chasing through your mind right now. You cannot order them. JJ seems to be peaceful, lying in this bed in front of you.

"So, for now the situation is under control, we have to wait the next hours, how her lab is developing. In the late morning we can say something about the progress, I think. Do you have any questions left?"

Dr. Finn is stopping your roller coaster in your mind. You turn your head to him.

"No, thank you. I think we have to digest this incident for now."

You view turns to Emily and she signals you she feels the same way.

"Ok, I will come by later, to check on Agent Jareau's condition again."

He nods and leaves the room.

You watch the nurse, as she is shifting JJ's pillow and sheets. She is gently putting JJ's arms at the side again and stroke JJ's hair out of her face. She checks the ventilator tube and looks up to you and Emily. She smiles.

"She scared us a bit." The nurse says.

"Oh yeah, definitely, she did that." Prentiss breaks her silence. "She has a gift to surprise."

"Well, lets hope the next time will be a good surprise!"

The nurse is answering and making her way to the door.

"Yes, lets hope that." Emily sighs and nods to the nurse, as she leaves the room.

You sink into the chair on the other side of JJ's bed and sigh. It is 2 a.m. in the morning. Suddenly you feel how exhausted you are. The adrenaline is fading away and the weariness settles in. You massage your forehead. Emily is sitting near by JJ, stroking her cheek.

"Prentiss, go home. You look tired, you were here all day. JJ is ok for now. I will take over."

She shots you a gaze.

"Hotch... you are exhausted too. Do you really think I would let you alone right now? There is no way you can force me out of here. I'm fine!"

You cannot help but show a faint smile on your lips. You don't have the power right now to argue with the stubborn Emily Prentiss. She sits back in her chair next to the bed with a triumphantly smile on her face. After she crossed her legs, she makes eye contact with you.

"I won!"

She puts her nose a little bit up and smiles. You have to chuckle and shake your head.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N Thank you for your reviews! I should point out, that I didn't invent this story, I only write the POV of Hotch and invented what is not written in the basic story Pain. Be aware Pain from KDMOSP is the model for this story. **

The door falls into the lock. The briefcase in your right and your keys in your left hand you head for your car. The central locking switch open and you get inside. You pull out of the driveway on the street to head to the hospital. You feel rested, you finally slept a little bit. You were too exhausted to be a help for anyone. Day five of JJ's fight, you think. Yesterday was finally the day, the turning point. JJ was getting better. Her kidneys were back to normal and her liver lab was in a positive progress. She isn't out of the woods yet, but JJ is obviously fighting. You are grateful for that. You eventual are feeling the fear in your stomach fades away. You sigh mentally.

The parking lot of the hospital is almost full, thankfully it doesn't rain today, you smirk. After some minutes you reach the entrance of the medical center. The way to the ICU is too familiar you think as you wait for the elevator. After the buzzing sound of the ICU door, you push it open and walk by the nurse station to say hello. Knock knock. You open gently the door to JJ's room. The well-known sounds of the machines are making their way to your mind. The room is enlightened by the sun from the window. It lays a warm mood in the room.

"Hey Hotch, man you really look better!" Morgan smirks.

"There you go Hotch, I told you so. " Rossi teases.

You chuckle and shake your head, as you think about the little fight you had yesterday. The two men almost shove you out of the ICU room, to get you home and some sleep. They insisted that you were too exhausted to help. You had to admit you were really tired. The only reason why you gave in, was that JJ was stable.

Your eyes narrow to JJ and you frown.

"How is she doing?"

You watch JJ, lying there, still being ventilated, pale and still with a yellow shimmer.

"She is doing ok, Dr. Kassanoff told us the lab results will come back at about 9 o'clock. Then, we know what is going on." Rossi informs you.

You continue watching JJ, as your hands are holding the end of the bed frame. Silence settles in. You feel the sun on your skin and close your eyes for a moment. No suspense. No burning fear. You sigh and take a chair to sit down.

##

"Thank you sir."

You nod, put your wallet back into your pocket and follow Prentiss through the cafeteria to a table. The smell of the coffee makes you feel calm, it soothes you. As you sit down, you glance at Emily. She looks at some point outside the window. She seems to be distant. You take a sip of your coffee and look down at the cup. It is afternoon. Reid and Garcia are with JJ now. The doctor told you this morning, that JJ is making a good progress. The lab shows better results than before. You're feeling reassured. There is no touch and go anymore. It was very nerve-wracking, too nerve-wracking for your taste the last days. She still hasn't wake up yet, but Dr. Kassanoff told you this could take time. Her metabolic system has to be in some kind of normal state again, until she will wake up.

You take another sip of your coffee, you look to Emily. She is fidgeting with her cup. You can feel she has something on her mind.

"What's bothering you, Prentiss?"

She looks up to you, she is biting her lip while she narrows her eyes again.

"I don't know." She pauses. "I was thinking about how JJ will react when she is waking up."

You know to what Emily refers. You look down at your hands, as she is looking at you again. JJ was on her rock bottom. Some people regret their suicide attempt, but some people don't. You are still feeling guilty to let this happen to JJ. You know you swore to yourself to make it up to her.

"When she will wake up, we will be there for her, what ever it takes, and what ever will happen."

You look up to Emily and make eye contact. For a few minutes you two are just sitting there staring into nothingness. Finally you stop your thoughts, that are running through your mind.

"Lets go back."

"Yeah."

#

Garcia's bubbly voice is already to hear as you open the door to JJ's room. She is reading some new fashion magazine to JJ. You chuckle and smile. Reid shots you a smiling glance. You nod to him and make your way to the window.

"Oh Pen, is that the new one? Aaww let me see it!"

Prentiss is immediately by Garcia's side and the two women exchanging some facts.

You shake your head and turn to Reid.

"How are you doing Reid?"

"Uh, just fine, I think. I was reading the eighth book actually for today."

He smirks. You cannot help and smile. But the relaxed situation changes. Suddenly you see JJ moving. Her chest is heaving more than normal, somehow as she is struggling with something. The chitchat in the room stops right away. Everybody is staring at JJ. The heart monitor is blaring, so does the ventilator machine ring off in an alarm. JJ is turning her head from one side to the other.

"Oh god, what is happening?" Garcia exclaims.

You don't know what's causing JJ to move around.

"I think she is waking up."

You finally say and make a step forward to the bed. Garcia is about to touch JJ, but none of you is quick enough to hinder what is happening next. JJ's arm is moving to her head, her eyes are still closed. At the same moment the nurse is rushing into the room.

"Noo!", the nurse calls out.

But it's too late. JJ has yanked out her breathing tube.

"Oh dear, that was not good!", she is hitting the call button and turns to your team, "Please step aside we have to fix this!"

The nurse is now working on high speed. She is gripping the breathing bag from aside the bed and connects the oxygen to the bag. JJ is now heaving her chest again, it seems as she doesn't get enough air in her lungs, she is agitated, her eyes still closed. The whole scenery is breaking your heart. Your chest tightens. The doctor and another nurse are running into the room. You see your team making eye contact with you as they leave the room to make some space for the staff to work. You prefer to stay at your place at the window, you have to, you decide you don't disturb anyone by standing there aside.

"What happened?"

Dr. Kassanoff is now at the bedhead and is beginning to lower it. He puts the breathing mask over JJ's mouth. But she is still agitated and fights Dr. Kassanoff. You cross your arms in front of your chest, as you watch what is going on in front of you. The still unconscious JJ is now held down be one nurse, as the doctor tries to get some oxygen in JJ's lungs.

"You got the Propofol?"

The other nurse is filling a syringe with a white milky liquid.

"Yes, it is ready now."

She is connecting the syringe with one I.V. line and pushes slowly the medication into JJ's body.

You watch JJ, her face covered with the breathing mask, hold by Dr. Kassanoff. You see her body struggling under the fierce hold of the nurse. The heart monitor is still going crazy. You see the concerned looks of the medical staff and you frown. You feel that fear again, it is growing in your stomach. Again. No! You don't want to live through this again. You tense up. You feel unease again and your hands move across your face. Sighing, you put your hands on your hips. Finally you can see JJ is calming down. Her struggling ends.

"Propofol is working. Get the intubation set ready."

The doctor instructs one of the nurses. You watch as medical equipment is prepared while Dr. Kassanoff is pushing the breathing bag and gripping the mask tightly over JJ's face to ventilate her.

She is limb. Motionless. Another medication is filled in a syringe and the doctor stops the ventilation. You can tell he is about to intubate JJ again, you see this silver shining hook thing. The doctor is gently placing the silver metal in JJ's mouth and throat.

"Tube please" he orders, while his gaze is not shifting from its position. You can tell he is looking into JJ's throat. You saw that before, last time in JJ's apartment. You feel your heart sink. The doctor is now placing gently the breathing tube into JJ's throat, removes the silver metal hook * and connects the breathing bag with the tube. He puts his stethoscope on her chest while he is pushing the breathing bag. He is checking her lungs.

"Ok we are in, both sides are ventilated."

You watch the nurse fix the breathing tube to JJ's mouth. The doctor replaces the bag with the tubes from the ventilator as the other nurse puts some settings in the ventilator machine. The heart monitor is silent now. Dr. Kassanoff sighs and finally turns to you. Putting his stethoscope around his neck he speaks to you.

"Sorry you have to watch this. It is quite scary for laymen."

"No, it is ok. I wanted to stay. I feel responsible for her."

The doctor smiles faintly.

"Well, what happened? Agent Jareau is starting to wake up. During the waking process, some patients are not conscious enough to communicate. There are some stages of consciousness. She was in one, where rudimentary defense movements exist. So she is aware there is something in her throat that doesn't belong there, so she yanks it out. Normally we can prevent that. It obviously happened so fast, that nobody was able to stop her. We gave her a sedative to intubate her again. Her breathing was not sufficient enough on her own."

You nod. You fixated your glare on the doctor the whole time.

"What will happen next?" You ask.

"We hope she will regain consciousness in the next 48 hours. After that we will see how she is doing."

"When will she be able to get off the ventilator?"

"Well, it depends how her breathing will work. Right now she wasn't able to get enough oxygen in her lungs by herself. But I think as soon as she is awake and can communicate, we will try to extubate her."

One nurse is rejoining the room with some hand restraining cuffs. You frown.

"What are you doing?"

You make a step towards the nurse and stare at her. You can tell she is a little bit scared of you.

"Agent Hotchner, we have to restrain Agent Jareau to prevent that she will yank out her breathing tube again."

You turn to Dr. Kassanoff who spoke to you.

"Is that really necessary?"

"Yes, I'm sorry. It is for her own safety."

You grunt inwardly.

"Alright. Go ahead."

You step aside and let the nurses go to JJ's bed. You watch them, as they gently lift JJ's wrists into the cuff and buckle it. They fluff up the pillow and gently place it under JJ's head. One of the nurse is stroking the hair out of JJ's face.

"There you go honey, now get some rest."

She smiles at you and makes her way out of the room, together with the other nurse. You watch Dr. Kassanoff make some notes in the working computer and the chart nearby. Your eyes switch to JJ while you step to the bed. You take JJ's hand and stroke it. She looks peaceful, as nothing happened. You slightly shake your head and look down to your hands, that are engulfing JJ's. You can tell the fear is fading away, fortunately. You let out a sigh and ease up, letting the tense go, that was built.

'There you go, much better', you think.

You look up to JJ again.

'We will get you through this Jennifer, hang in there!'

A/N

* This silver metal shiny thing is called laryngoscope and helps the doctor to see the vocal cords in your larynx (voice box) and the trachea (windpipe), because the doctor has to see where he puts the tube. The other possibility is the stomach, but to ventilate your stomach isn't that much healthy :)


	9. Chapter 9

The billow of steam is engulfing you. The hot water is drumming on your shoulders. You lean with your hands against the wall and enjoy your shower. Head bowed, the drops of the water run over your nose and drip off. Guardianship. You haven't thought about that earlier. Is that really necessary? That is the main question, that drives you crazy since yesterday. You had a talk with one of the psychiatrists of the hospital. Because of the fact JJ tried to take her life, there has to be an evaluation, even before she will wake up. You talked about the case. Oh, Hotchner. It is no case! It is the most horrible thing one of your team member has been through. You could tell the psychiatrist was shocked of the details. Everyone was. That doesn't make it easier to deal with. The therapist told you with all of these circumstances it is most likely that JJ will not regret her suicide attempt and that she will still be a danger to herself.

'Guardianship. Lets see what this day brings to you.'

You get out of the shower and towel yourself. You watch yourself in the mirror.

'What ever it takes.'

That is what you said the other day. What ever it takes to make it up to her. Even if it means to hurt her in the short run. There will be a lot of hurt in the short run. You know that, you witnessed it countless times. It is a pattern. There are huddles to take to get back to the big picture. That is how life works. At least this is how you do it.

The phone is vibrating on the dresser. You tie the towel around your hip, while your walking to your bedroom to pick up the phone. You frown as you see the caller ID.

"Hotchner."

"Sir? Can you please come quick to the hospital?" Garcia is nervous.

"What is it, Garcia?"

"JJ is waking up."

"I'm on my way."

##

Garcia is sitting nearby JJ, she turns her head as you enter the room.

"Hey."

"Hello Sir, thank you for being so quick."

You see JJ's eyes are still closed. Rossi is standing by the window.

"Hey Dave."

"Hey Hotch."

"So what happened?"

"We can tell she was almost awake, we spoke to her, but her eyes didn't open. The doctor said it could only take some hours until she is full awake."

Garcia informs you. She tenderly strokes JJ cheek while she is talking to her. You make your way through the room to Rossi and take a seat in the chair nearby. You watch how Garcia communicates with JJ. She is her buddy. They are close. It is a good thing Garcia is present right now. She is a tender person. Special. The right person to have in such a situation.

The time goes by. The initial anxiety is gone. You are chatting with Rossi and Garcia is reading some of her magazines. But all of you are alerted when JJ stirs. Garcia is standing now, while she pushes the call button.

"JJ?"

She gently try to contact her friend. You are standing by the bed now, but you decide to let Garcia speak to JJ. Dr. Kassanoff and a nurse are rushing in the room. JJ's eyes are open.

"Jennifer?"

Garcia tries again. You watch JJ getting agitated, she obviously discovered she is restrained. Her chest is heaving again, like the last time. Her eyes dart around.

"Agent Jareau, it is ok, you are in the hospital. Try to calm down."

Dr. Kassanoff is now by your side, you step back to the window to let them work. You can see JJ is ripping at her cuffs. Her eyes show pure panic. You are about to step forward and push them all away. But it is only a little twitch that you can manage, before Rossi has a hand on your arm. You look at him. His face signals you, that you have to let it go, let the staff and Garcia manage this. You sigh and give in. But JJ is far from that. While you were struggling with yourself the heart monitor started the alarm, so did the ventilator.

"Agent Jareau, ssshh, calm down, you are in a hospital, you have a tube down your throat to help you breathing."

Dr. Kassanoff is gently pushing JJ back into the pillow. Garcia's hands are also on JJ's shoulder and chest.

"JJ, honey, look at me, you are safe, you are in the hospital."

It seems anything works. You can tell JJ is just struggling harder to get the hands off her. She is fighting and moving around as she has to fight for her life. Your heart sinks.

"We have to sedate her."

One nurse call out. Dr. Kassanoff only nods at her.

"No. She is just scared." Garcia says. "Please, give her a chance to wake up."

You watch Garcia. She is determined. And she leans down to JJ to get her attention, because you can tell, until right now she only was fighting. She is gently stroking JJ's arms and makes eye contact.

"Gum drop, I need you to calm down. If you don't, they are going to give you some medicine to make you sleep."

"5 mg Midazolam please."

Dr. Kassanoff turns around and whispers to the nurse. The nurse starts working and takes a vial with a clear liquid.

"You've been asleep for almost a week, we need you awake at least for a few minutes."

You can tell Garcia's soothing voice works. JJ stopped struggling. But the look in her eyes, it is something you can't put the finger on. It confuses you a bit. But right now the happenings are drawing your attention.

"You have a tube in your throat to help you breathe, JJ. The doctor has to clear you before it will come out."

JJ looks to Garcia. Garcia is smiling faintly. JJ begins to push her hands up against the restraining, she signals she wants them off. Her eyes are pleading. Garcia eyes are watering. She slowly shakes her head and puts her hand on JJ's cheek.

"I'm so sorry, JJ. But I won't."

She holds back a sob. You watch how JJ begins to struggle again, you can tell she is pissed. The nurse is starting to act, the syringe connects to the I.V. line and she pushes the sedation into JJ's body. JJ is pulling, fighting, ripping at the restraining. Garcia tries to sooth her with her hands, but JJ is beyond to respond to that. Her head snaps to the side, where the nurse is standing, already getting less agitated.

"I'm sorry, Agent Jareau." The nurse says.

You watch JJ calm down and blinking a few times. The sedation sets in and JJ's eyes are closed. Again.

Everybody in the room is staring at JJ. You can tell everybody is feeling a little bit sorry. At least you are feeling that way and Rossi, who is standing beside you too. Garcia is still gently stroking JJ's cheek and sniffs from time to time.

"Alright, that was not the way it suppose to go." Dr. Kassanoff sighs.

You eye the doctor, as the nurses working on JJ to settle her right in the bed again. Dr. Kassanoff turns to you.

"This can happen, most of the patients are scared, when they are waking up. It is a strange surrounding and in her position it is more disturbing. She is restrained and intubated. Not the way I want to wake up. But nevertheless it is necessary."

"I understand." You switch your glance over to JJ.

You are concerned, how this event could set JJ back in her already damaged mood.

"How long will it take until she wakes up again?"

Rossi is now moving out of his stance and talking to the doctor.

"Well, it is hard to tell. But I think she will wake up soon. The sedation was only a short one, just to calm her down. Nothing hard."

"Alright, thank you, doctor." Rossi smiles.

"Your welcome, I will check on her later, in about half an hour."

With that Dr. Kassanoff leaves the room with the two nurses, after he wrote something down in the medical chart.

##

You knock at the counter of the nurse station, where Dr. Kassanoff is talking to a colleague.

"Ah, Agent Hotchner, everything alright?"

"Yes, I want you to check on Agent Jareau again, I think she is waking up again."

"Sure, I follow you."

After you two enter the room, Dr. Kassanoff makes his way to the bed. You stop right behind him, cross your arms and watch eagerly.

"Agent Jareau?" Dr. Kassanoff shakes JJ's shoulder.

No reaction. The doctor pulls out his lamp and begins to exam her pupils.

"Agent Jareau, open your eyes for me."

Slowly she begins to open her eyes. First trying to adjust to the light and after a moment she focuses Dr. Kassanoff. And you.

"Agent Jareau."

The doctor has her attention again. You frown and watch with some impatience the scene.

"I am Dr. Scott Kassanoff, do you know where you are?"

He takes his stethoscope from his neck and begins to check her lungs. You can see how JJ flinches as the stethoscope connects to her body.

"You are in the hospital, in the ICU. You did one hell of a job on yourself."

The doctor takes the stethoscope back around his neck again and smiles at JJ.

"Gave us quite a scare for a few days, you liver is a mess."

You watch JJ lifting her wrist. The restraining is obviously a big problem for her.

"We have to restrain you because you kept trying to pull the tube out of you mouth, which you successfully accomplished on one occasion. I will untie you under the promise you let me take the tube out."

JJ nods.

"Ok hold on."

He leans over, frees the tube from fixation and connects a syringe to unblock the tube. You walked over to see what he is doing. Still frowning, eagerly watching.

"Okay deep breath."

He pulls out the tube and the nurse is suctioning the airway. You see how awful that must be, because JJ is really fighting. You see her panicking and you scowl. JJ is coughing and trying to get some air. But she obviously has problems to get air in her lungs.

"It's ok, it is normal."

Dr. Kassanoff slips a breathing mask over JJ's face, while the nurse is lifting the bedhead up. You still have crossed you arms, staring at JJ. What will she say? How is she doing? You almost jump in suspense. You can tell JJ is still fighting to get her breathing back to a point she doesn't think she suffocates. After a few moments Dr. Kassanoff starts to talk.

"Agent, can you say something?"

That moment, you were waiting for. Your eyes still on JJ, suddenly her eyes shift to yours. Eye contact. Her look is cold and full of anger. You scowl.

"Go to hell."


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N Sorry for the delay. I was a little bit busy and also not in the mood for writing. I hope I can make it up to you. Enjoy the new chapter.**

###

This is going to be tough. A hard one. She needs guidance and structure. There is no other way. But it will hurt her. You know that. You already thought about that. But there was no way to communicate with JJ, it was heart breaking. All effort of the team, of her close friends was blocked by her. And you, you are the enemy right now. JJ showed you that, you are responsible for saving her life. At her point of view of the world, her world. Yes, she is in her own world right now and it will take everything to bring her back.

First of all, it needs structure. The best structure she knows is the team and FBI structure. Being the enemy, you will play the part of the bad boss, that will put her in her place again. And to do so, you will make the decision you considered these days. Guardianship. The appointment with all needed persons is in about an hour.

Everything is set now. Everything is set now, to hurt JJ. Your heart sinks. You sigh. You look out of the window of your office. This is going to be tough. A hard one.

###

Thoughts are running through your mind. You can't manage them. Today you accomplished the first task on your duty as a guardian. You make a short stop between pacing in the hallway. JJ was now restricted in a safe room, where she won't be able to harm herself. The doctors made clear, that she is still a threat to herself. You sigh and start pacing again. You can't handle the situation well. That is one of the things you noticed today. JJ was still in her own world, not talking to anybody, not even to Garcia or Emily. Not even communicating. At what you can do the best, you are failing. Talk to people, get through to them. But this is different, it is affecting you and your team. There is a huge pressure that lies on everybody, to do it right, to make it up to JJ. But she don't want to. She is lost, apparently.

"Agent Hotchner?"

A voice rips you out of your thoughts. You look up, who is talking to you. You raise your eyebrows.

"I'm Hannah Foster, I'm the therapist that will work with Agent Jareau."

"SSA Hotchner, nice to meet you!"

"Agent Hotchner, I want to talk to you about Agent Jareau. I want to draw a picture of her, that I can work with."

"Yes, of course."

After you sit down in the small conference room, you watch Hannah. She seems calm and settled. She looks up to you.

"So, what can you tell me about Agent Jareau in your team at the FBI."

You talked about an half hour. The memories about Jennifer working in her office, presenting you a new case and laughing with the others in the small kitchen lifted you up a bit. But it also hurts, to be reminded, that obviously this JJ is gone. For now. You can't even imagine if JJ is going to be able to work again, after what had happened. It is evident, JJ has given up herself. Will the woman in front of you be able to get through to JJ? You don't know, you can't tell. You hope she will.

###

The coffee is soothing you. You take a deep breath through your nose, tasting the smell of the coffee in your hands. You sigh and open your eyes again. Rossi is watching you closely, eying you.

"What?"

"You need a break Hotch."

"What are you talking about."

"You know what I'm talking about."

You frown and stare at Rossi.

"You take too much load on you, Aaron."

He makes his look more concerned than it already was. Aaron, he only calls you Aaron when he is very serious. Like now. You look down at your coffee and say nothing.

"The pressure these days is eating you alive and you didn't sleep well. You know that. You look like hell, Hotch."

A silence settles in.

"When was the last time you spend time with Jack?"

"He is fine, he enjoys being with his grandparents."

"That's not what I mean."

You look up.

"We all are on the edge Hotch, but you made also this decision for guardianship and take further a huge responsibility. That is what you always do, that is what you are good at. But you have to take care of yourself." He pauses. "Otherwise I have to take guardianship over you."

He smirks. You cannot help and chuckle. But is stops right away, when your phone vibrated in your pocket.

"Hotchner."

It is the ICU and your heart stops for a moment. The nurse sounds very nervous and you are too right now.

"I'm on my way."

You look up to Rossi and you can tell he knows what is going on.

By no time you are approaching Dr. Kassanoff in the hallway of the ICU.

"Agent Hotchner, thank you for being so quick. Mrs. Foster is in her room right now and she is demanding you, JJ has obviously a flashback again."

You nod and make your way to the room. You already can see through the window, JJ sitting in the bed, crumpled to herself and shaking with her whole body. Hannah sitting beside JJ trying to sooth her. You brace yourself and enter the room. Hannah is turning around to you, but JJ doesn't move.

Hannah stands up.

"Agent Jareau has a flashback."

"Alright, but why are you requesting my presence?"

"Well, not I am requesting it. Agent Jareau is."

Your gaze moves away from Hannah's face to JJ, still shivering in the bed. You nod and pass the therapist. Slowly you are approaching JJ and sit down on the chair next to the bed. It seems as JJ still doesn't notice you are next to her.

"JJ."

Your voice is calm and soft. You reach out with your hand trying to touch JJ. In the same moment she lifts her head and looks into your eyes.

"Hotch?"

"Yes, I'm here now. You are safe."

You touch JJ's hand, that is wrapped around her legs. You see JJ still shaking and feel the urge to hold her tight. You stand up and sit down in the bed next to JJ and wrap your arm around her shoulder. You trying to sooth her and pull her tight in to your embrace. The shaking is calming down and she places her head on your chest, as you stroke her gently over her back. After a while you look up out of the window of the room. Rossi standing there, with his hands in is pocket and watching you. Sadness is in his eyes. Yes, you are sad too. The flashbacks are the worst. It is like a bad movie is playing. You want to stop it, but you cant, you have to watch it, how JJ is reliving her hell. All you can do is trying to calm JJ down. The shell that is left of JJ, because beside the emotions that she is going through with the flashbacks, she is withdrawn and cold. That hurts. Both.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N Please please review, I'm glad about everyone that is reading this story and even more if you are reviewing what you are thinking! It is the fuel that keeps us writer motivated! But I was so motivated right now, that this chapter is a long one! So tell me what you think! Have fun!**

"She did what?"

You are beside yourself with rage. You can't believe what just had happen. You stare at the person in front of you.

"I'm sorry Sir, I don't know what to say."

"You better not! When did that happen?"

"We discovered it a couple of minutes ago."

You growl and grit your teeth. You are about to hit the wall. You turn away and ball your hands into fists. You bristle with rage right now. You have to get yourself together again. You sigh and run your hands across your face. In the background the speakers are repeatedly blaring: "Code White ICU Code White". After some moments, you look to the floor, swallow and turn to the person again.

"Alright. We will put one medical staff member on each team, that will search this hospital."

You turn to Morgan and Emily, who were watching the whole scene and remained silent.

"Morgan you go check the entry hall, exits and the elevators. Pick your medical staff member and go!"

"Prentiss you will head to the floors one and two, take your nurses as well."

Your look switches to Hannah.

"You will go with some people and check the stairs, both!"

"I will go check the floors three and five. Alright gogo!"

You catch your medical staff and hurry to the stairs. It is hard to keep your thoughts straight. The picture of JJ lying on the floor unconscious, pale and limb forces its way to your mind. A huge feeling of guilt is growing inside you. How could this happen? Why weren't you able to prevent this – again? You can't believe it. You push the door to the floor three open. While you make your way to the nursing station you send a team message to get the rest informed, what is going on and how the procedure is. Quickly you explain the staff the situation and they are about to join the search on this floor.

Minute after minute goes by and the fear in your stomach is getting bigger. 'She can be dead by now', you remind yourself. You want to scream, to let emerge your fury and fear. Countless rooms are going by and you have this feeling, she isn't in the hospital anymore. What would you do, if you want to run? But does she want to run? Nobody knows that. In the hospital is the best equipment to kill yourself. You have to continue. And you do.

After half an hour you send the team another message. You know no one was successful, because no one contacted you before. You push the speed dial.

"Yes Sir, what can I do for you?"

"Garcia, I need you to set a new search perimeter for the police and start to check the traffic cams. We need to find her!"

"I will do!"

"Hurry!"

You stare for a second at the phone in your hand. Where is she going? Where are you JJ? One detail is becoming clear to you, the weather outside, it is freezing cold. And JJ isn't really in the shape of walking around. You have to find her as soon as possible. As long as she is still alive.

#

Back at the ICU, you look into troubled faces. Rossi and Reid joined the rest of you. They were helping as soon as they arrived.

"We will continue the search with the police in an area of 3 miles for now. David and Reid you will go together. The rest comes with me. We will set up a com link for the search and keep in touch."

You nod into the round, as everybody agreed. There is nothing to say. You know every one is feeling the same, as you do. The fear is overwhelming, unease is everywhere. The possibility that JJ is dead by now tears you apart. You cannot help, but be angry with yourself. You have to go somewhere with your emotions. You are agitated. You begin almost to run to the parking lot. Morgan and Emily have troubles to keep up with you.

You left the parking lot behind you, your eyes searching every spot on the street and sidewalk. The police radio is reporting nonstop. But nothing is important.

"Hotch, come in."

"What's up David?"

"We are heading Bleakers and Rannington."

"Alright, we take Alessia and Welsh."

"Okay."

The time is passing by and it does make you feel worse with every minute that goes by. You are tensed. It is quite in the SUV. Nobody is saying anything. Only the police radio is blaring. You are in your own thoughts right now, when something gets your attention.

"...female, mid thirties, blonde. Matches description..."

You become frantic.

"Please repeat."

"We have female, mid thirties blonde hair, that matches description of your missing agent. We are approaching now."

"What is your location."

"Aleswell and Rayles."

"We will join you."

"Understood."

You make an u-turn and the wheels are squealing.

"Lets hope it is JJ."

You glance at Prentiss, but say nothing. You are too frightened right now. And angry. You hit the gas and speed through the traffic with sirens on.

"Yes this is Agent Morgan with the FBI, I need an ambulance at the corner Aleswell and Rayles."

The traffic is killing you, you barely can drive like you want to. But your attention switches to the police radio again.

"...requesting backup on scene Aleswell and Rayles..."

You look at Emily and frown.

"I guess JJ doesn't like any police officer right now."

Emily chuckles. But you have no time for humor right now, you are livid. The fear turned into anger, and somehow you find yourself angry with JJ. How can she do that, how can she screw around with the team like this. You are ready to be the big bad boss. She needs authority right now, structure and guidance.

In no time you are approaching the scene. Three police cars and five officers cover any glance at the woman. You jump out of the car, Morgan and Prentiss right behind you. You see one of the officers talking to JJ, who is sitting on the ground, covered with a police jacket. She is shivering and shaking with her whole body. The officer, who talked to JJ turns around and walks towards you.

"Agent Hotchner, a pleasure to meet you."

"Officer?"

"Officer Johnson."

"You were at the scene back then."

You nod, but images of the horrible crime scene flash into your mind. You look over to JJ who is staring to the ground.

"Agent Hotcher, I talked to Agent Jareau and she is requesting to go to the cemetery."

You frown and switch your look to the officer again. You know the reason she wants to go to the cemetery. Closure. You can't let that happen. You have to hurt her now and you hate it.

"I understand. I handle it."

You pass the officer and walk to JJ. She refuses to look at you or even speak. You lean down to her.

"I will make you a deal, Agent Jareau."

She still doesn't look up, but you continue.

"I will drive you to the cemetery on the condition that you agree to being admitted at the hospital. No more escapes, no more fighting with the staff. You do as you are told."

You can see how she is considering her options. She looks horrible. Defeated. Finally she nods. You have no intention to drive her to the cemetery actually. You guide her to the SUV, Emily is on the other side of JJ. It is an odd situation. It makes you somehow a little more angry. Five police cars, an ambulance and the whole enforcement people walking around this scene, for your agent. And you are guiding her to the FBI vehicle, just like a criminal. It is embarrassing. You open the door to the SUV and help JJ into the car, where she sits now with her hands cuffed on her back. You join her on the one side and Emily on the other. You only want to get out of here, as soon as possible.

"Go Morgan get us out of here."

Morgan knows exactly you have no intention letting her go to the cemetery right now and he is driving you back to the hospital.

After a while JJ notice the false direction.

"Where are you going?"

JJ growls at Morgan.

"To the hospital."

You answer shortly and begin to uncuff her hands.

"You said we would go to the cemetery!"

"I said I would drive you there if you agreed to go to the hospital."

You pause. You sigh mentally.

"I did not say when."

JJ becomes angry, real angry and stares at you. Yes, you have finally hurt her. But it is necessary and you remain in your role.

"You tricked me!" She growls

"Too bad."

Your face shows nothing. But she is beyond livid. You see her mind racing. She turns away from you, mad at the world, mad at you. And it hurts you too.

##

Morgan drives in the ambulance bay at the hospital. You notice JJ is in her own world and she doesn't pay attention.

"Get out."

Your voice is hard and commanding. JJ's head snaps and she assesses the situation. Just like she want to run off again. You are eager. She looks at the other side, where Emily is still sitting, blocking the way.

"Screw you."

JJ hisses at you and finally breaks her silence . Your anger is pounding inside you and you try to calm yourself down. You sigh.

"Do I have to cuff you?"

She glances up to you. Fear is in her eyes.

"Because at this point, I have no problem with doing it."

Your impatience lets you forget about her problems, as you grab behind your back and pull out your handcuffs. But it is too late. JJ is squeezing her eyes shut and begins to shake. Her arms and knees are protectively pulled against her body.

"Damn it Hotch! Put the handcuffs away now!"

Oh shit. Your stoic stance crumbles for a moment. The handcuffs at your back again, Emily and Morgan are trying to get through to JJ.

"JJ, hey you are safe! Do you hear me? You are with us, you are ok!"

Morgan and Emily are doing their best and it seems to work. JJ is not totally caught in her flashback.

"JJ, c'mon." Emily is soothing her. "It is time to go inside."

You watch JJ and she has still her arms and knees pulled to her chest, balled up.

"I don't want to."

You can barely hear her. The anger from her is gone. There, in the back seat of the SUV is not sitting JJ. There is a little 5 year old girl, that is frightened of the world. Doesn't have enough faith to go anywhere.

"Please don't make me."

Her begging is some kind of heart breaking. But you have steadied yourself again.

"JJ, you have to."

Emily takes over the conversation. She is soft with JJ. Like a mother. But you are aware Emily would do anything to prevent JJ from slipping through the lines, to get away again. She is aware that JJ can turn any second, so are you. And just as you thought about it, it happens.

"I won't consent to treatment. I won't sign anything."

Emily is looking to you, knowing that is your part to take over this conversation. You see JJ building confidence. And you are about to tear it down.

"You don't have to. I took guardianship; right now, I make all of your decisions."

You watch her, as you have just tore her apart. She collapses even more, as she already were. She is shaking bitterly and crying. It stings into your heart. You need every fiber of you to remain calm and stoic. You swallow the lump in your throat. You blink and look at Morgan.

"Go get some medical staff over here."

Morgan simply nods and disappears in the ER entrance. You turn to JJ again.

"You know how this going to end, if you refuse to stay in the car."

Nothing. She is shutting down. Even after more attempts to get through to her, you don't get any answer or reaction. Emily also has left the car. You are alone with JJ now.

She is recognizing, that she is alone with you. Because suddenly she starts to talk to you.

"Why won't you just let me die?"

She is whispering and tears are streaming down her face. You cringe mentally. She is desperate and it's makes you feel you have to cry right now. But you can force back your own tears. Your anger is gone. You cannot be angry with that person in front of you anymore. It is deep concern that drives you.

"I can't."

You admit and you never will.

"You can, you just won't."

That's right JJ.

"You're right, I won't."

JJ seems to be more put together now. She is looking around, her gaze stops at the opposite door.

"I wouldn't try it, child locks are on."

"And you think, that taking away my rights is actually going to stop me from killing myself?"

She begins to laugh and you feel unease growing inside you. She switches from one mood into the other. She is totally lost in herself.

"You think by sticking me, locking me in a damn hospital – that I won't find a way, Agent Hotchner?"

That hits hard. The person in front of you isn't JJ anymore, not the JJ you know. Definitive not. And this change is hurting the most. But you go on.

"Then why haven't you?"

You reverse and hope she is backing up.

"I wanted to say goodbye to my family, and you stopped that. You even stopped that!"

Your both eyes are stuck on each other. The lump in your throat is there again. You have to swallow. Your heart aches, what she has just said hit you.

"I had to get you back to the hospital, JJ."

Your protective wall is breaking.

"Why?"

"So they can help you, JJ."

You are sincere, you want with all what is possible to get JJ back. But she proofs again, she don't want to.

"I don't want to, Hotch." Shaking her head, she whimpers. "I don't want this anymore."

"JJ..." You try.

But then she changes again. Her mood is furious and it seems again she is really unpredictable and a danger to herself.

"No! You don't JJ me. Where were you?" She is agitated and trembling. "Where were you and the team when that asshole killed my family?"

You feel your guilt pulled out of your inside out on the surface and your chest tightens. Your heartbeat begins to run and you feel the blood flushing in your head. You swallow and steady yourself a bit.

"You don't think we tried? You don't think we stayed awake until we found you? You don't think everyone of us was sick what we found? We found you alive, JJ, it doesn't mean we didn't lose anyone."

It almost sputtered out of you. The pressure was too big to avoid that.

"You took my rights, Hotch."

'I know JJ and I'm sorry.' you think.

"Before you took your life."

You hear Morgan and Emily approaching from behind and sigh. You are too emotional right now. JJ is leaning over to you, as she begins to whisper.

"Take me to the cemetery."

You are confused what she tries to imply, but turn your head over the shoulder to see if Morgan and Emily were successful. The whole medical staff was following the two agents. But you see in a split second Morgan gesturing and shouting.

"HOTCH!"

You turn around, knowing in your gut JJ is about to do something and that is what Derek is referring to. You see JJ has grabbed your gun out of your holster. She is holding it, the gun is already loaded. You don't think and lunge at the gun. She is placing the gun to her temple. Everything happens in slow motion as it seems.

"NOO!"

You scream and reach for the gun as it goes off. BANG! Your hand holds tightly the wrist of JJ, the gun still in her hand. The trigger was pulled.

"NO!"

This time JJ screams. You are wrestling to get the gun out of her hand. You don't mind anything and push with full force, as you hear a crunch. But she has still the gun and you are struggling with her, fighting. 

"Noo..."

She is desperate and it seems the amount of sorrow she has suffered is forced right now to remain the gun in her hand. You can't get it out of her fingers. She is kicking, fighting and pushing you. Finally you hear the door on the other side open, as you are both panting while your struggle. Morgan is about to push JJ down into the seat and with the full force you can rip the gun out of her hand. From the front a doctor is trying to secure JJ a bit more, not knowing what she is up to. With the gun out of her hands, your thoughts begin. That was close, almost too close! You are almost responsible for her death. But you have no time to think anymore, JJ is further struggling with all her force, it needs all of you to hold her down.

"Her wrist is broken." 

The doctor in the front says, as he assesses JJ.

"Call up the ICU. We need to get her to a safe room."

You hear another doctor requesting to some of the medical staff. Emily is next to Morgan and tries to calm JJ down. She is gently stroking over her head, moving away the hair that is over her face. Morgan wipes softly the tear from her cheeks.

"Agent Hotchner, we need to sedate her." One of the doctors says.

You are still almost lying on JJ, securing her. She begins to shake her head as far as she is able to. But you have to do this, there is no way. This must not happen again!

"Go ahead."

You hear JJ protesting and your heart aches.

"No Hotch."

She is crying and begging. It is heart breaking, not only for you. The prepared sedation syringe is passed over to the doctor in the front seat of the car. He is about to prepare the injection.

"No..."

JJ's tears are streaming down her face and it is an awful situation for all of your team. Your friend and longtime team member is restrained lying in front of you. You also are forcing her down, to prevent that she is able to hurt herself. She will be sedated soon, not able to move anymore, not able to do what she want anymore. And you are helping with that. JJ is struggling even more now, as she is aware of what is about to happen. She can't move an inch, but she forces everyone to push her down even more.

"JJ."

You try to get her attention, while the doctor connects the needle with the vein, slowly he pushes the sedation into JJ's body. She is still moving around under the pressure of those many hands, that try to restrain her. Slowly you feel how she is beginning to relax. The struggle stops, only a few slow moves are made by her. Everyone sighs in relief. Finally everyone except you releases their hands and pressure from JJ.

"Was she hit?"

Emily asks with a concerned look.

"She isn't bleeding, the bullet went through the roof."

You look down to JJ and it happens that she is just looking straight into your eyes. You feel guilty and you cannot help but to mouth 'sorry' to her. You don't think she will notice, with the sedation in her system. But you are also relieved she isn't in danger anymore. Most of the tension is gone now and the adrenaline is fading away.

"Well, she'll be out in a few moments, lets get her to the ER."

The doctor announces and tries to help you to get JJ out of the back seat. You see that her eyes are already blinking several times. You gently pull her to you and pick her up into your arms. As she lies in your arms, you watch her eyes close. Slowly you lay her down on the gurney and place a blanket over her body. You take out your handcuffs and close them around the healthy arm and restrain her to the gurney. Clearly, you don't want to relive that again, what just had happened. You feel extremely exhausted and you are glad JJ is asleep right now.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N Someone has asked me to do another story and who would it be? Yes, the author of Pain and now her new story Hurt, the sequel to Pain. To write the POV of Hotch in Hurt I want to finish this story first. That's why I'm pushing forward. One more chapter after this one and I will be going on to the sequel! Please tell me what you think! Enjoy reading!**

JJ, lying on the gurney, knocked out by the strong sedative medication, is guided by a whole army as it seems. You are not leaving her side. You want to make sure that everything is going on as it suppose to be. That incident showed even more how sensitive the situation is. No more mistakes. Even if that implies you won't leave her side. The throng of people are passing the ER entrance. Rossi is joining you and his look speaks volumes. You have to talk later, he nods, as it seems he understands. JJ is now in a big examination room in the ER, you step to the side to the wall and watch the doctors working.

She is being hooked up to the heart monitor again, several nurses are working around the doctor and JJ. An I.V. line is started and a oxygen mask is put over her face. The heart monitor suddenly starts an alarm and you cringe. No, not again, what is happening? You watch the scene and can assess that nobody of the staff seems to panic. One nurse notices your unease.

"Everything is alright Agent Hotchner, it is just her BP, it is a little bit low. That is normal with the sedation."

You feel the relief across your tensed body. You aren't up for anything dramatic right now. The scene in the car outside has taken its toll. You are going to be agitated and frantic inside as soon as something seems to be out of control right now. The doctor is drawing some blood and the nurse is working on some fluid bag for the I.V. The wrist was immobilized.

"Ok lets get her to the x-ray. Agent Hotchner will you wait here?"

You simply nod and are making your way outside the room. You want to speak with Dave, you have to right now. You find Rossi in the waiting area together with the others. As they see you approaching, their faces show deep concern.

"She is being brought to the x-ray for now, to check her wrist."

"How is she doing?"

"Well she is fortunately sedated and that will last a bit I think."

You see the concern doesn't leave their faces and you can relate to that. JJ has proven with her actions today, that the situation is much worse. She has a strong will to kill herself whatever it takes. And that fact has shattered something inside the team to the core. Not only inside the team, inside everyone of the team. Nothing will be normal again like it has been. JJ, the JJ you and your team know, is gone. Destroyed by one man, that didn't even kill her. He did much worse.

You make eye contact with Rossi and signal him you want to speak to him privately. In a far corner you stop and look down at your hands. He watches you as you sort your mind.

"I don't know how to do this anymore, Dave."

You look him in the eye for a moment, then your gaze shift to the wall as you continue to speak.

"It tears me apart to see her broken like that, switching her mood like she has no more control over her own soul. I don't know her anymore, Dave. I have to be strong and be the one she can relate to, but on the other hand I cannot deal anymore with that guilt, knowing I could have prevent it."

"Aaron..."

"Everytime I see that desperate look on her face, when she is lost and seeks for closure. Begging to let herself kill and end this sorrow, I'm falling apart inside and I almost can't act anymore."

You look at Dave again and see how his face has turned into a deep caring mood.

"Hotch... you are doing a great job, a wonderful job with her, that nobody else could do. You are so strong these days, don't you see how she connects to you? You are somehow her safe haven. Despite how desperate and lost she is and how angry and mad she is with you and the world, she always gets back to you, searching after a secure place."

You look down on your hands, you finger kneading each other.

"You made it up to her, you make it up to her, every day. Nobody is guilty about what is happening, except that asshole that killed a part of JJ. Don't you forget that."

"Yeah but, ..."

"Not buts, Hotch. It is as I said, you are not responsible for what is happening! You are doing your best, as you always did."

You eye Rossi for a second, then look away to the wall again, searching for words. Your thoughts are running through your mind, you are unable to catch one.

"Look at me Aaron."

You switch your glance to Rossi's eyes. His brows are lifted as he speaks.

"You will go back in there and do as you always do, doing what you are good at! I know you can do that and you will!"

You swallow. For a moment you are searching Rossi's eyes and you can feel the confidence back in your chest. His words worked. You finally nod.

"Thank you, Dave."

"You don't have to thank me..."

You smirk and he begins to chuckle.

"There you go, atta boy."

You both are joining the others again.

#

The nurse is typing in the security code for the ICU access, as you watching her, standing beside JJ on the gurney, still sedated. The team is right behind you. Inside the ICU you see Dr. Wyatt approaching you. He was also there in the parking lot, where JJ were almost able to shoot herself in the head, with your weapon. The guilt is still inside you, Rossi wasn't able to rip it out of you and you know he never will. But you are confident to move on to watch after JJ, as you said it some days ago, you will make it up to her, what ever it takes.

"Agent Hotchner."

Dr. Wyatt nods to you and joins the throng of people set up JJ in her ICU bed. The room has a safe lock system now. You grab the keys for the handcuffs and free JJ's wrist from the cuff. Gently she is transferred by the staff to the bed, mindful of the tubes and wires. After the heart monitor and the other medical machines are set up, the nurse begins to shift JJ's body in the bed and makes sure she lies comfortable. The oxygen mask is replace by small nasal prongs. The team is waiting outside while you are watching the medical team doing their work.

"So Dr. Wyatt, what will happen next? Can you give me some information how you will proceed?"

"We need to keep her in the ICU for another few days."

While you hear his answer you look down to JJ, she is sleeping, as it seems peaceful. Another few days in this atmosphere. Great. You hate hospitals.

"Her labs are showing some improvement with her liver and we want to keep them heading in that direction."

You look up to the doctor again, your arms are crossed in front of your chest.

"However, we need your consent. We need her keep restrained. She is too much of a danger to herself right now to risk anything."

You frown.

"Restrained?"

You feel the anger coming up as your mind is racing through the pictures of that horrible crime scene where you discovered JJ a couple of month ago.

"In what way do you mean restrained?"

"Sedated, Agent Hotchner."

You hear the doctor is serious. But you are not comfortable with this.

"She already has proven that she knows how to get out of the hospital, she has every intention of killing herself."

'Well that's true', you think. You consider the options and you know very quick there are not much options about that.

"How long?"

"Not long, a few days. Just until we are sure she is stable enough so that we can move her to the behavioral health floor."

You take the last chance, maybe there is another possibility.

"Do we have any other options? I don't want to drug her to make your life easier."

That comment hits the doctor and he scoffs.

"We can physically restrain her."

You almost jump at him by his tone. You scowl and grit your teeth.

"Dr. Wyatt, do you know anything about Agent Jareau?"

You eye the doctor and you can see how he is beginning to become smaller.

"Let me enlighten you a bit. A few month ago, Agent Jareau and her family were violently kidnapped from their home. My team, we did everything we could to find them – and when we did found Agent Jareau restrained in a back room, unable to move at all. Her hands and feet were tied with leather binds, she was blindfolded and gagged. Do you honestly think it is a good idea to physically restrain her?"

You bristle with rage, but you have your outside under control. You remain calm and stoic. The doctor on the other hand was shrunken.

"I didn't know..." he begins, but his voice dropped.

You shake your head and eye him one more time. But suddenly your attention switches. JJ begins to cough and is seems she is not able to stop. You jump at her side and help her lift up her upper body.

"JJ, breath."

You trying to sooth her and stroke gently over her back. Slowly she calms down. She sways.

"Hotch."

JJ is not fully awake as it seems, she has problems to focus. You try to get into her view.

"I don't feel well."

"It's from the sedation, JJ."

You try to make eye contact with her.

"They have to sedate you downstairs."

She finally looks into your eyes. She is tired and the sedation is still working. She has troubles to hold her eyes open.

"No more."

She close her eyes. You sense she is not only tired because of the medication, but rather tired of fighting.

"JJ, it's either that or physical restrains."

Her eyes open again and she is looking in yours.

"We have to do one."

You tell her as careful as you can. She shakes her head and begins to move her arms, but she is too sleepy.

"No..."

She is begging you and it makes your heart ache again to hurt her.

"Please..."

You sigh and steady yourself.

"It won't be long JJ."

You make eye contact with her again, as she tries to find something in your eyes.

"I will be there."

You stroke gently over her back, then you turn around and sign the document the doctor wants you to sign a while ago. You still have a odd feeling about that and it hurts you to see JJ so vulnerable.

"I can withdraw consent at any time?"

You ask the doctor and shot him one of your looks.

"Of course, sir." He pauses. "And it isn't sedation in what you might be thinking. She will be able to open her eyes and respond, she will just be too tired to try anything dangerous."

'Alright, hopefully it won't be long' you think and step away to make room for the nurse, who has already prepared another dose of sedation. The nurse is watching you, to get the signal of your confirmation. You cross your arms and nod, as you watch the clear liquid is pushed through the I.V. line into JJ's body. JJ is lying on her back again, her eyes already begin to close and the tension finally fades away.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N This will be the last chapter of this story. I hope you enjoyed it. I will start on a new story as a sequel to this one, a sequel to Pain and the Hotch POV of Hurt from KDMOSP. Have fun! Please review!**

The raindrops drip off the windows, it is windy and dark outside. You think back to the point where you stood in your office, looking out of the window and it was the same view. The day Emily called, the day JJ wanted to kill herself in her apartment. It was an exhausting journey until today. Everything changed since that day. The team has changed. You have changed. Because JJ isn't the woman anymore you all knew. The wind whips the rain against the window. You hear the calm talk of Emily and Reid. The beeping of the heart monitor is sounding through the room. JJ is sleeping in the bed behind you. Sleeping, you huff. She is sedated for almost 2 days now. She is barely conscious. But you have to admit, the aftermaths of her suicide attempt right in front of you are still working. Everybody is alerted, even while she is asleep.

Reid and Emily are talking about some movie, what they want to see. You don't notice anything on particular. You are watching the people outside, juggle with their umbrellas through the wind. It is early evening and you are hungry. The chatter of the two team member stops in the middle of the sentence. You turn around to see what is going on. Both of them are staring at JJ, your look shifts over to JJ. She is agitated and unease is drawn over her face. You step to the bed and take her hand, so does Emily. But JJ doesn't seem to notice. She begins to mumble.

"...want to stay with you.."

You can barely understand her, but you sense she is dreaming.

"JJ, wake up!"

Emily tries and strokes her gently over her shoulder. You watch, as JJ's face shows signs of fear and she gets more agitated. That is when you want to interrupt whatever she is going through.

"JJ, you are safe, wake up!"

You touch her shoulder and shake it gently.

"Will...no..."

She begins to shake her head.

"Will!"

Now she is screaming and she is grabbing the sheets, as her hands balls into fists. You frown and wonder how she can become so agitated through the sedation.

"JJ do you hear me, wake up!"

You try again.

"Will!"

"I will go and catch the doctor."

Reid leaves the room, as both, Emily and you are eagerly trying to wake JJ up.

"JJ! Open your eyes! Wake up!"

The heart monitor starts an alarm and the situation gets more disturbing.

"Will, please, wait for me..."

JJ is crying now, but her eyes are still closed. You are desperate now, not able to waking her up from her misery.

"Please, Will. Please, don't leave me."

Your heart sinks and a lump is built in your throat. You swallow and look up to Emily. Your eyes meet and you can tell she has also troubles watching what JJ is going through. Suddenly JJ eyes fly open. The blank panic in them. Her breathing shallow and fast.

"JJ!"

You call out. You don't think and sit down on the bed and pull JJ into your embrace. She is shaking and the heart monitor is going crazy. You hold her tight, your hand is holding her head against your chest as you try to calm her down.

"Ssshhh, JJ, you are safe."

The doctor and one nurse are rushing into the room, followed by Reid. You shot them a look.

"What is going on?"

You scowl at them and shaking slightly your head, signaling them to not move closer.

"We think she has a panic attack."

Emily explains.

"But how? She has to be sedated."

"Well apparently she isn't, doctor."

Emily counters and raises her eyebrows. The doctor makes eye contact with you and signals he want to check her I.V. and the machine that suppose to push the sedation into JJ's body. You continue meanwhile soothing JJ in your tight embrace and gently stroking her back. She still is hyperventilating and sobbing. One nurse is stopping the heart monitor alarm.

"JJ, can you hear me?"

You try carefully. But she doesn't respond. You make eye contact with Emily and she also seems helpless at the moment. The doctor finally sighs and obviously he detected the problem. But he eyes JJ and you.

"Agent Hotchner, the sedation is torn off, because there was a defect on the machine, that's why she was able to wake up enough to get a panic attack. I advise you to let me give her something to calm down."

You instantly shake you head and tighten the embrace around JJ more, as you fear she could be ripped from you.

"Agent Hotchner, she is hyperventilating and her cardiovascular system is going crazy right now. I appeal you to let us sedate her."

JJ still seems to be in her mood. You try again to get through to her.

"JJ, listen to me. Say something, please, show me you have woken up."

But JJ is still doing nothing but shaking and sobbing, her chest is heaving fast and her breathing sounds not healthy. You stroke gently over her back and look up to the doctor, who is looking with deep concern what is going on in front of him. You grit your teeth and finally nod. Maybe it is the best solution now, she is really scaring you, by not waking up properly.

The doctor notice your confirmation to the sedation and begins to flip a new filled syringe in the new I.V. machine and connect the system to JJ. He begins to push some buttons and you see the plunger inches forward. Still stroking her back you wait until the medication sets in. Everybody is watching JJ now. Eagerly waiting, you sense the tension in the room. Finally you feel how JJ's breathing slows down and her sobbing stops. You push her head against you chest again and stroke gently through her hair.

"Ssshhh, everything will be alright, JJ."

You talk to her, trying to make this as easy as you can for her. Slowly her body in your arms goes limb and she sinks into your embrace even more. She is out. For a moment you go on with your embrace, trying to give her safety, even asleep. Slowly you guide her body down to the bed again. She is motionless. You stroke her hair out of her face one last time and stand up to make room for the nurse to work.

You sigh and turn around, to look out of the window. You are feeling deep emotions riot inside you. You want to scream, cry and yell, hit something. You are near to tears right now, your eyes are already moist. You swallow the lump in your throat and grip the windowsill. You grip it tightly, hard, forcing the pressure out of your body. But it doesn't work like you wished. You don't recognize how the staff is working to get JJ back into position.

You are still staring out of the window, looking at some point in the far, when someone approaches you from behind and lays a hand on your shoulder. You sense Emily, but she isn't saying anything. She gently is stroking over your shoulder and steps up beside you. She also looks out of the window now and you two are standing next to each other, silently.

###

Chaos. You don't know how exactly it happened, but you are sure Dr. Green was not quite good at his job. There are a big amount of people standing in the safe room of the ICU, where JJ is treated, including some security guys. You wonder who called them, you shake your head mentally. You get back to pay attention what is happening in front of you. JJ is sitting in the corner in front of you, like a shy animal. She has just broken the nose of the head of psychiatry of this hospital, Dr. Green. He ordered to pause the sedation to do a conversation with her. It didn't go so well. And now she jumped out of the bed, fearing to be restrained again. Understandable. But she have to get back in to the bed, there is no way she will remain control over that situation. She is too unpredictable.

Morgan is approaching her.

"JJ."

She eyes him attentively.

"Stay away."

She hisses. And her look shifts over to all the people in front of her.

"Go away!"

"I can't."

Morgan shakes his head and knees down in front of JJ. You are standing behind him and watching the scene. JJ is extreme wary and assesses the room, suddenly she is ripping her I.V. out of her arm.

"NO! You need that honey!"

One of the nurses calls out. You sigh and look over your shoulder, as you see the nurse standing there already a syringe in her hand. Great job.

"JJ."

Morgan is shaking his head.

"They are going to drug me."

She is looking back and forth between the people in front of her. Like an haunted animal. Morgan looks over his shoulder.

"You broke Dr. Green's nose..."

He looks back to JJ.

"He deserved it."

As JJ is looking down for a moment Morgan moves a bit closer to her, but she is aware of that.

"Stop!"

She is getting agitated and crumples down in the corner even more. She looks awful, the fear in her eyes and sweating. You signal Rossi, who is standing beside you to act now. This has to end.

"Ok."

Morgan nods one last time and JJ didn't notice you and Rossi are already by her side, lifting her in the air together with Morgan. But JJ is fighting and screaming, kicking, desperate as she would get harmed.

"STOP! NO!"

The three of you mobilized every power to haul her off the ground. You are struggling with every force.

"JJ, calm down!"

One of the nurses tries. JJ is really terrified, as you realize what you have done.

"Please, don't."

She is begging, heart breaking pleading you. Then you lose you grip and she makes herself fall to the ground, but the hands of your three are still in place. But you look at each other. Not sure how to think about what JJ is doing right now. It seems different, the pleadings are heart breaking, as if she fears she would get killed in the bed.

"C'mon JJ, get up."

Rossi tries, as others try to command her to do something to get into the bed. Chaos, it is still chaos you think. JJ is still struggling and fighting, kicking around to get out of the grip of you.

"Stop!"

A new voice joined the chaos, no apparently it stopped it. Suddenly everyone is quite. Everybody is turning around and seeing Hannah Foster walking into the room. The therapist of JJ. The only one that was able to speak properly to JJ since she is in the hospital. She got through to her, she was even able to get JJ open up a bit. You lose your grip on JJ and step aside, watching how Hannah approaches your defeated agent in front of you. She sits down next to JJ on the floor.

"JJ?"

JJ is shifting.

"Oh honey, what happened?"

You watch JJ closely. She looks down to the floor and shakes her head.

"Oh jeez. Is the bed scaring you?"

And at this moment your heart falls into your stomach. No, how didn't you notice that? Damn you Hotchner. You are livid, biting on your lip. Your rage is confirmed, as JJ nods and whispers.

"Yes."

"They dragged you into a bed, didn't they?"

You close your eyes for a moment and sigh. Oh my god and you wanted to drag her into a bed too, great job, well done. You are beyond angry right now. But you have to get your emotions under control, if this is suppose to work. You steady yourself, as you watch JJ calm down.

"Ok, how about to lie on the couch, can you do that?"

You take advantage of the situation and pick JJ up together with Rossi and lift her on the couch. You nod at the nurse, who is waiting with the sedation. You think it is the best right now for JJ to get some rest after this roller coaster. Hannah is by JJ's side, she has still a calming effect. And as JJ is closing her eyes and breathes out in relief, the nurse takes the chance and connects the syringe to JJ's vein and pushes the sedation into JJ's system.

Hannah is standing up and turns to you and your team.

"Gentleman, that was close. She was about to get another flashback or even another panic attack. I urge you to call me the next time earlier. This is unnecessary stress for my patient. I assume you figured out the problem by yourself by now. She needs to rest now, the sedation was necessary too this time."

You say nothing, you can say everyone of you is at odds with himself right now. Even more. Angry. But Rossi has the grace to say something.

"We understand, thank you."

You were hurting JJ, mentally, at the worst. You only nod and want to leave from Hannah's sight. You are furious with yourself, you need nobody that tells you what you have done wrong, again, you already know it. You pass her and walk towards JJ. Her eyes are growing heavy and are almost closed. But when she notice you approaching her she flinches and you cringe mentally. Oh no, she is afraid of you. That is hurting you really badly and you aren't even aware right now, how much it will hurt you soon. You take a blanket from the bed and place it gently over JJ. She finally closes her eyes and you sigh.

"There you go."

You whisper and gently stroke her hair out of her face.

###

After the incident with the bed you withdraw yourself a bit from JJ. You spoke a lot with her therapist Hannah. You got the impression, it is the best, that not too many people are screwing around with JJ's mind. You began to trust Hannah to handle your agent's welfare, of course with your consent as a guardian. But with that development, there was no proper situation for you to speak with JJ about your mistake that one day. And further you think that it was not the right time. Nevertheless your guilt is eating you alive. You hope in the new facility are some more possibilities to speak with JJ.

Right now you are standing in front of her therapist Hannah, who is explaining to you, why she wants to escort JJ alone. You are not a fan of that option. Regarding the last time JJ was out of the hospital you feel you have to escort her with a whole SWAT team. But you know by yourself that this is ridiculous.

"Agent Hotchner, I know your concerns, but you have to admit, that the relationship between Agent Jareau and me went quite well."

"Yes, that's true. But my concerns are based on the experience I made with her the last time. She was unpredictable. Her mood shifted from one moment to the other."

"Well, we worked on that. She gained trust, trust in me. There is someone she can go to with her fears. This was important for her. Because I am someone from the outside, it was a lot easier for me, than for you. You have responsibilities, especially with the guardianship. The trust in you is fragile."

You mentally sigh on that. JJ's trust in you is sadly fallen apart, when you made that horrible mistake and almost drove her into a panic attack. Normally you are the one in control here, you are about to decide who is riding on the ambulance and who won't. It is a hard choice for you not to be in control. And the chance of JJ jumping off the ambulance are getting much less with Hannah on it. That is for sure.

"Alright then. But I want a car of us followed."

"Yes, of course. As long as nobody joins the ambulance."

You frown at that. Why is she so intent of that? But you have no more time to think about that. You have some important phone calls to make and have to inform Strauss.

"We will wait with our car in the ambulance bay."

"Ok, I see you there."

#

"So how comes that you are being ok with that solution, Hotch?"

You growl a bit and shoot Rossi, who is sitting next to you in the car, a serious look.

"Hey hey don't shoot. I just asked."

He holds up his hand in defeat and smirks.

"I thought it is the best for JJ to have her most trusted person with her right now."

"That makes sense."

"I know Dave."

You cannot help but smirk, as you watch him.

"Looks like here she comes."

Emily interrupts you two. You watch as Hannah guides JJ to the ambulance. You frown as you see that, why isn't she in a wheelchair? Whatever, you are grateful that JJ can leave the hospital.

"There will be a hell of a lot of traffic today. Hope we can get there in time. Morgan and Reid will join us there."

"Yes, lets hope we get through it fast."

You follow the ambulance through the hospital area and pull in to traffic. It is as you foresaw, the traffic makes it difficult to drive. You see how the ambulance turns into a side road.

"What are they doing? This is not the direct way to the facility?"

Rossi is obviously as confused as you are.

"I don't know, maybe they want to avoid the blocked main roads."

"Hm maybe."

You are relieved to see, that you were right. The side roads are good passable as you follow the ambulance to another side road. Suddenly the ambulance speeds up and a dustcart is rolling out of a driveway and blocks the road.

"What the hell?"

"Was that necessary?"

Everybody is cursing about what is happening in front of you.

"Great, now we lost the ambulance."

You scowl. After what feels like an eternity, you can pass. But the ambulance is nowhere to see. At least , you thought, they could have wait.

"Well, lets just get fast to the facility, we meet them there."

Everybody is nodding in agree. But you have a bad feeling about the whole thing. Again, you have no control about what is happening. Maybe it was a mistake to let the therapist go all along alone with JJ. You actually said you wanted to make it up to JJ, that includes to be there for her. Now you cannot, while something went wrong. With the thought it would have been better to be on the ambulance, you drive into traffic again.

After half an hour you reach the mental health institution. You drive to the ambulance bay, where you see Morgan and Reid leaning at the black SUV.

"Where is the ambulance?"

Emily ask the question everybody has in mind. You stop the SUV and jump out.

"Where is the ambulance?"

You ask Morgan and Reid with concern. They are looking at each other and their faces show that they didn't expect hat question.

"What are you talking about, Hotch?"

"The ambulance was never here?"

"No?"

"What the hell is going on?"

Rossi calls out. You take a look around and stick your hands to your hip. The ambulance never arrived. You try to understand that fact, but you can't. Why in the world is the ambulance not here, you were stuck in the traffic and you are here before them?

"Ok, lets find out where they are."

You hit the speed dial on your phone.

"Speak to me my bossman."

"Garcia, try to track down the ambulance in which JJ is transported."

"Yes, but may I ask why our JJ isn't with you anymore?"

"We lost the ambulance in the traffic and now we arrived at the facility and they aren't here."

"What? Wh... I will find our JJ!"

You end the call and look up into the faces of your team. All of them are concerned. You still can't figure out why you lost the ambulance and why it isn't here. You sigh and run your hands over your face. You start to pace forth and back. Waiting for Garcia to call or the ambulance to arrive. Morgan is agitated too, while Prentiss, Reid and Rossi glance around to catch a look on the possible arriving ambulance.

Your phone vibrates, you sigh and pick it up.

"Hotchner."

"Sir... the headquarters of the fire department, to which the ambulance belongs, never knew of a transport from JJ's hospital to the mental health institution. They said all registered ambulances are where they suppose to be."

You say nothing. An extreme bad feeling rises inside you. You swallow. And at this moment something becomes clear to you: The reason why Hannah insisted to be alone with JJ.

To be continued...


End file.
